K (Oct 30, 2001): I have been suffering with depression since 1990. I am not sure what my diagnosis is...even after seeing 3 psychiatrists, 2 psychologists, 2 family doctors, and numerous counselors. I have been reading The Essential Guide To Psychiatric Drugs by Jack M. Gorman, M.D. and have decided that I fit the bipolar disorder characteristics. I have been on Prozac, Paxil, Ativan, Effexor, Serzone, Clonazepam, Celexa, Lorazepam, Trazadone, Risperdal and Lithium. I now continue to be on Lithium, Clonazepam, Celexa and Ativan to control my depression. I still cry often lately, but that is because my depression is at its worst from October to June. I have tried to commit suicide twice. I would give anything to be normal again. I am have been a diabetic for 10 years so I am not sure if this exacerbates my depression. Any ideas or suggestions welcome.

McMan (Oct 30): Hi, K. There's an article on the link between diabetes and depression under Articles>Rest of the Body on this website. Re your diagnosis: my guess is your psychiatrist sees you only when you're depressed, so you might very carefully write down all the times in your life when you were up, what it felt like, how long it lasted, how you behaved, whether you were more productive, whether it was accompanied by anger or agitation, whether you ever felt yourself going out of control, whether you had racing thoughts or entertained weird ideas, and so on. Your psychiatrist can only go on what you tell him or her, so the burden is on you to provide a clear and accurate record of your moods.

K (Nov 1, 2001): Thank you for responding to my comment...I thought about what you said (my mood swings) I have highs and lows. When I am high I can conquer the world I indulge in school taking as many courses as allowed, I am the nicest person to everyone, I spend like there is no tomorrow, I am the greatest employee...there is nothing I can achieve. My first marriage was destroyed because of this crippling disease...we didn't understand why one day or months as it were I was this fun loving productive person...then wham!! I become this passive depressed helpless child...then this evil, irritable witch. My husband got so fed up of my mood swings he started to hit me...I left and went to a shelter with our baby and never came back...we ended up getting a divorce and joint custody of our daughter now 11. I am remarried but, I still go through the Highs and Lows. I can't take the racing of my mind it is like the Molson Indy at times, thoughts racing. When I am in my depressed state I can't get out of bed, eat or anything else for that matter. When I have to cook dinner for my husband I freak out and cry when I don't know what to make...and usually end up cooking everything in the fridge or cupboards...It usually lasts us weeks (smile).

I am almost finished my BA in Criminal Justice
and lord knows when I'm finished that I will be on a high again and want to complete a MA in Criminology. I work for the Federal Government...I am off on disability because I had a fitness to work assessment that says I am not fit to be in the work place at this time. I work in spurts 1 year at a time that has seemed to be my employment cycle for the last 10 years. I entertain the thought of suicide daily, and cry when my husband goes to work for fear of being left to my own devices, or mind if you will. I start to pace from room to room (something I used to do as a child 2 am every morning before my father got up a three to go to work. I always made sure I was back in my bed before it was time for him to leave, a seven year old is suppose to be sleeping at that time).
I don't feel like I belong in this world...I feel I am different from everyone else..I am not normal I don't know how my new husband can stand me....I can't even stand myself, as for my daughter when I get in these moods my ex-husband is now very understanding and she stays with him. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. When I can't take the racing of my mind I self medicate with Ativan and Tylenol so I can sleep....that is the only time my mind has some peace is when I am sleeping. Thanks for listening.

Cecilia (Nov 21, 2001): I've been in blind studies (dues to lack of insurance) for the last three years. Some meds would work for a bit but never on most aspects of my depression, nervousness, anxiety. No longer in a study, I've since been diagnosed as bipolar II.... a diagnosis that I wish was made
23 years ago (my 1rst clinically untreated but self- medicated depression). I wish I could share my feelings and struggles more with friends but most can not understand how someone having so much potential and talent has the hardest time with her self-esteem.
Does she lack courage/conviction?
No,she lacked self knowledge....and an HMO!
Is she a princess/pariah?
No,she is neither....she is me.

Justine (Jan 16, 2002): Well, in the past couple months I've been wondering if I have ADD. I also suspected I was a manic depressant. Well, now I'm basically 100% sure I am both. None of my friends know this though. They always complain to me that I never pay attention to what they say (which is really because of my ADD) that I'm 'negative' and 'bitter' (which is really because I'm a manic depressive). They think I want to be this way (happy one minute and then suddenly extremely sad/pissed off ) Well, I already have trouble controlling my mood swings but now its gotten even harder because they always tease me and call me 'bitter bear'. Every time they say those things, inside I want to cry. I hate being this way. . Every time I laugh along with them but inside it hurts because they don't know why I am like this. I am afraid to tell them what's really happening because: 1. they might tell other people 2. they might think that just because i have a mental illness, i'm crazy or something 3. they'll think I'm looking for their pity . This honestly really distresses and upsets me. My friends think I'm confident and stuff, but I haven't been for a long long time. I don't expect them to all feel sorry for me and go out of their way to keep me happy. All I want is for them to be a little more understanding when I become very sad, or when my temper blows up and I have a silly outburst. I guess its not their fault that they tease me because they don't know the truth. They probably just think its one big joke. What should I do??? Should I tell my friends ? If so, how should I tell them?

McMan (Jan 16): Hi, Justine. The first thing you should do is make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Tell him or her everything. If you suspect you have bipolar and you are diagnosed ADHD of ADD instead, be on your guard as ADHD meds can worsen your condition. If there is any doubt it's better to try bipolar meds first and if they don't work to consider ADHD. Once you get on a treatment that works, you might not have to worry about what your friends think, as your moods and behavior will no longer be a problem.

Mary (Jan 21, 2002): This is difficult to interject into a discussion of so much pain, but I feel that the personal philosophical implications of having a mood and behavior altering disorder should be openly examined. I have a bipolar disorder with 2 episodes of full blown mania and many, many less severe episodes. The issue of personal responsibility during hypomanic and depressive episodes is critical--even if only to our justice system. Here is my take on it: Though I sometimes have felt quite out of control, even in serious fog, I find that certain REALLY important considerations can break through, such as the welfare of my children, basic compassion for my pets, the need to drive safely to not injure others, the need to not hurt others' feelings. Therefore, I have concluded that, short of raving psychosis, I must be responsible for my actions. I submit this because I see a trend toward using mood disorders as an excuse for all kinds of heinous behaviors. Just like when the "mid-life" crisis (a pop-culture concept, not a medical one) was an excuse for behaving like a jerk. (That excuse tends to wear off after a big time divorce settlement or complete loss of family life). Short of a frontal lobe injury or a documented psychotic episode, it would not be wise to count on the justice system letting anybody off when a bank is robbed (article example), or bankruptcy is declared. The issue of personal responsibility goes to the heart of who we believe we are - a pile of biochemical charged synapses, or thinking, soulful being? Don't neglect your soul while you are trying to find an admixture of pharmaceuticals that works for you.

McMan (Jan 22): You bring up some interesting points, Mary, but I would make some distinctions: True, we may know right from wrong in a manic state which makes us personally accountable, so something usually holds us back from committing crimes against others, but what usually gets us into trouble is doing right - giving our employers incredible productivity, giving things away, lighting up the lives of others, pursuing a spiritual path to its extremes, all which sets us up for the inevitable fall. In these states of mania, our moral compass gives us a false reading - the thing that should be holding us back isn't there; that's why we're manic; that's why people in a state of mania do strange things.

Anyway, you've really hit on something here, and I hope the last word isn't mine.

Jennifer (Feb 14, 2002): Magnificent! This is the first article that really pinpointed the days of my life. The insanity that fuses my mind and spirit, into the most amazing and painful life one can lead. Oh, how glorious and deathly miserable our lives are. I am 22 years old, after much denial I was finally diagnosed with mixed bipolar with rapid cycling and began medication in October 2001. I had knowingly suffered from depression since puberty and now aware the BP was evident long ago. I couldn't bear the insanity, the only thing that allows me to be here today is my son and the strength that refuses to give in, to let this illusive world win. It is a game, a test, a lesson in life. Although we struggle everyday to live in light, we are blessed because we see the world in such different vision, our perception more defined, our senses acute. We illuminate ourselves and then rejuvenate and bask in the comfort of our darkness. Although we will always struggle with the disease, medications make it much more bearable. I am so grateful that you are hear sharing your lives, knowing that I am not alone. Peace and light be with you.

Corie (Sept 20, 2002): I was diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder in March when I tried killing myself and had to be hospitalized. Nothing seems to help. I'm only 16 and it's hard for me to go to school, and concentrate on anything. I couldn't even read this whole article, because my attention span is nearly gone. Every time I go to the doctor he just raises my meds and lets me be. But I know meds alone aren't going to solve my emotional state of mind. Because it doesn't make any sense at all. It's like I'm so confused I'm even confused about what it is I'm confused about in the first place. And since everyone seems to be getting other help, a few pointers I wouldn't mind.

Raquel (Sept 20, 2002): Well, I really am glad to see that I have found a place to tell others who have experienced what I have how I feel. Many times I have wanted to kill myself and I found out today after 30yrs of absolute misery that I have Bipolar Disorder II, I have to say part of me is embarrassed but the rest of me is glad. I am gonna take Zoloft and Depakote and see if it starts to help me. Although, I am a bit confused, see I have suicidal tendencies when I take Zoloft, so I don't know what I should do? I told the doctor but he seemed to ignore that? Well, hopefully it will all work out. Take care everyone and good luck on your journey to good mental health.

T's Mom (Oct 1, 2002): As a parent of a young adult that has been diagnosed as Bi polar at 18 ( who is 21 now) things can get pretty hairy around here. His lastest crash took him to a hospital. About 4 months ago he deceided he did not need to take one of his med (risperdal) the other med's he was taking were Remeron and Zoloft. ( I was not in favor of this and express my concerns with the doctor but, since he is 21 yrs old he had to be in charge )With talking to the doc they both agreed that he would try this and slowly go off the Risperdal. Well in about a month I started seeing things with my son, like isolating himself from other, not wanting to go to places and laughing alot etc... I talked to the doctor and the case manager and they said they did not see these things but they would keep watching. My husband said I was just looking for something to complain about and that he should know if he need's his med. WRONG! . Well since he 's has been in this hospital this seems so far to be the hospital for him he is starting to really talk with his age group and really showing results when he goes to certain group meetings. They currently have him on Risperdal and Zoloft. He has express to me now and to the doctors that I ask to many question and that he needs space and that he needs to take care of his own life. Since he has said this I will give him space but now I need to know how to talk to my son without upsetting him. He will be getting his own apartment again and trying that out. He had his own apartment before but when Sept 11 came around that really scared him, he broke his lease and moved back home. The reason for me writing this is we finally found a doctor and a nurse who is so caring and understanding they mention to me to go into this site. Once I got into this site I was like a sponge. Thankyou.

Nightowl (Oct 7, 2002): I was diagnosed 12 years ago - 5 years earlier was put on antidepressants and was hypomanic for 5 years. I thought I felt great so I didn't complain - had lots of energy, could do anything - then I got depressed and was diagnosed bipolar and put on Lithium. I don't feel there is a me sometimes, just a pill that makes me ok or an illness that makes me miserable and when that happens my extended family impatiently tolerates me, except my kids (grown) they're great - the funny part is I'm divorced (went to divorce trial - was hypomanic - did well) I don't make much money and am alone and am always told by parents, sister you'll be fine you're a survivor - I fear getting really sick from this illness and not being able to work, what happens then? Then if I'm upset they ask me if I've taken my pills and it makes me feel that they think none of my emotions are valid. When they get emotional it's ok. I know when I don't feel well and I make a doctor's appt. I've had a legitimate emotional upset and have an appt. this week because it's affected my bipolar. I know my extended family is tired of it but think of how they'd feel if they had to live it. I'm better off emotionally if I stay away from them. I feel stronger. The only time I don't go to the doctor is when I'm in hypomania - I don't feel the need.
My brother's wife was just diagnosed with bipolar and my mother was furious when she found out his wife knew and didn't tell him - she wanted my brother to leave her - he said no - now my mother tells me if you meet someone don't tell him - it's ok for me but not for my brother's wife. It makes me feel inadequate, the funny part is people like me and I get promotions at work and people think I'm very creative. I know I'll feel better after I see the doctor this week and my meds are adjusted.

Laura (Oct 9, 2002): This is a disorder like no other I have a friend that just found out that she is bi. I have been official since 1990 and I refer to call it the really reallys. I am either really really happy or really really sad. no in betweens. she is on medication lots of it as I was in the beginning now i don't take any. partly because I don't think I need it and the other is because never mind . I just wanted to cast my vote for Really Really. as a name for the new book.

Jennifer (Oct 10, 2002): Well, Last year I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Severe Depression. I have had a very traumatic childhood. I lost my mother before my Eighth Birthday and when she died and everyone was crying I was confused as to what was happening. It wasn't until I saw her lying in the coffin that I realized she was gone. I begged for her to wake up and even tried to pull her out of the coffin but I couldn't and I had to be pulled away and carried out by my uncle and taken outside. I was told I went into shock after that.

My family's way of dealing with things is look the other way and maybe the problem will go away. It wasn't long after that, my father tried to commit suicide in front of us. Soon after, he wasted no time trying to find us a mom because he had no clue what it took to be a dad. He made us call her mom. We were afraid of my dad because his anger and temper were horrific. I was told later when I was an adult that my mother was a manic depressive. He married and we had to uproot and move to another state and leave everyone we knew behind. The school we went to believed in corporal punishment and I was spanked on more than one occasion in front of the entire class. My step sister was a lesbian and nightly tortured me and beat me with whatever she could find. My step mother also beat me and my sister all the time. She tied my sister to a chair and dragged me from the other room and beat me in front of her so bad and my sister was struggling to break free and save me. she couldn't and when the beating was over all I could do as crawl over to her and cry at her feet. She left us like that all day.

A year later my dad divorced her and we moved back to our original state. My father was an alcoholic at the time so my sister had to feed and care for me but she was young to and didn't want to always be stuck with the responsibility so I was often left neglected and abandoned. My grandfather moved in with us eventually and that's when the molesting started. He made me lose my virginity. He said if I told, my dad would think I was lying and beat me. I believed him and he was right because when I was thirteen he tried it again and I ran away.When I was picked up by the cops and put into a group home I was strung out from a three day party with my friends. I was sent home and I finally told the step mom I had at the time (I have had five thus far) She told my dad and I wasn't believed so I told the school and they intervened went through a long court process for my grandfather to get slapped on the wrist with a misdemeanor charge and a restraining order. The order was removed a year later and my father invited my grandfather to Christmas and told me I would have to apologize to him in front of the family. After all that I said screw this. I hated my life and did everything possible to end it.I tried suicide on several occasions, I became an alcoholic, I did drugs, became sexually active with almost anyone who asked. I was a complete mess still am) I met my husband and he was so nice I really thought he was my prince charming and he would rescue me from all this. I ended up pregnant by him and when I told him he asked me to marry him. I was in love with him. But the pressures of married life were to much for me and him. I lost the baby and I was devistated.His Family treated me horribly. I felt so alone. My husband was hardly around if he wasn't working he was with friends. He started drinking and I just couldn't take it anymore. When given the opportunity to cheat on him I did. I didn't even want to but I was feeling pressured and I couldn't say no. I meant no but couldn't say it. I have left my husband and ran on several occasions. This last time I filed for a divorce. I gave up a new home, my kids, everything. I just ran. I hurt all of them big time. I always feel the need to run. I never complete things that I start. My ex-husband STILL wants me to get help so we can work things out. He still loves me. I have no self esteem or love for myself. I know I need help yet I am so scared to follow it through. Please help me figure out what doctors would be best and what steps to take to get this help. I am hurting all the time. I am starting to rely on the bottle again for comfort from the pain. I am petrified inside. Please help! Thanks!

Adam (Oct 11, 2002): Hi, my name's Adam, and I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 15 years old. I'm 24 now, and it still sucks, though I'd like to think I have better control over it now than I used to. One thing that still bothers me, however, is that I'm still somewhat quick-tempered, even when it comes to small, silly things. If anyone else can relate, I'd love to hear from you. :) jericho410@hotmail.com

Crystal (Oct 13, 2002): I currently am dating someone that has been diagnosed with major depression, we have been dating for over a year now and I do not feel that it is depression - he is fine at some points, usually during the day and then something (usually very small) will set him off and all the sudden he hates me, won't get out of bed, won't work and cares little about himself. One night I had to fight him and almost strangle him because he poured an entire bottle of Tylenol down his throat to try and kill himself - he said to me " I have nothing to live for, if you love me then you would let me die the way I want to" ... he is such a loving and caring boyfriend when this isn't going on. But it happens at least twice a month, I love him more than anything in the world and I want to help him... what can I do to make him feel better... other than get him to go to a doctor, he is going to do that this week. I want him to know I'm here...

Jackie (Oct 14, 2002): After not wanting to believe depression was what was wrong with me, my family doctor prescribed Prozac which completely put me into a zombie like state of mind. When this anti-depressant didn't work for me, a psychiatrist prescribed Effexor xr and when this showed little or no signs of improvement he kept upping the doses and ended up adding Remeron to help with my anxiety. In what seemed like overnight I don't know if feeling better is the right word for what I felt. I was on Cloud 9. I felt so good within a week I quit taking all my medications, and within 3 months gained 50 pounds, I spent about $6,000 in the same amount of time on bascially nothing. I Shut out anyone who had been close to me before. I engaged in promiscuous sex with anyone anywhere. Whereas before I was an 18 year old virgin who had only 1 serious relationship in her life, I now was a 220 pound street walker who dressed as if she had the body to flaunt.

Besides these dramatic changes in my character I became a pathological liar to not only my family but my friends as well. I relied on about 3-4 hours of sleep and didn't need much more. It was like I went from an athletic, involved, friendly high school student to a confused college bound senior, to a severely depressed senior to an insane psycho path over night who's only plan for the future involved where she was going to get drunk. It is now a year later after my manic episode. I did go to college, basically because my parents didn't know what else to do with me. The weird thing was though I didn't end up coming out of the mania until about 6 months after it started. This seems to be quite a long time for someone to be psychotic. I now have been home from school for the summer and have kept to myself. I had a blast at college, and was able to lose most of the weight I put on during my manic state but in the current state of mind I am in right now have decided to wait until spring semester to return.

It is extremely difficult for me to return to the academic and social aspects of school especially when I am currently trying another route with anti depressants, I am so frustrated I could scream. One of the most difficult things for me to deal with is the fact that although I know it wasn't me being such a psycho path last summer most people have a hard time believing that theory. And I'm afraid my approach this summer of complete isolation has caused me to lose all of my friends completely because I have been such a hermit. Anyways if I never before in my life have shown any signs of mania before this episode last summer, which was most likely medically induced, is it more likely I am suffering from a severe case of depression or could I be bipolar? HELP??!! And if so why are my cycles so long and drastic, we are talking about 6-8 months of severe depression.

Lanessia (Oct 15, 2002): I would like for someone to hear a little bit about my life. Since I was very little I was molested by my uncles and friends of my fathers, I've been in and out of hospitals for various reasons. When I was 6 years old my grandfather died while he was holding me they had to pry me out of his arms soon after that my father started to beat on us and no I'm not talking about a spanking I'm talking about belts and TV. wire water hoses straps and his bare fist I had to go to school in turtle necks half of my life, watching my older sister being raped by my step-uncle and then trying it w/ me and my cousin, later me and my father had our bouts he liked to go to the bars and then come home and beat on the first kid he could get his hands on which was usually me, we used to have this old picture window that didn't have a curtain and one day my dad had come home from one of his binges and started an argument w/ me and the last thing that i remember was flying through the living room and through a wall and landing on there bed,that nite my boyfriend at the time asked me to marry him and so at 16 years old I got married at 17 and a half I gave birth to my son Davie, two weeks after that I was brutally raped beat stabbed and left for dead under a street light in Texas, and that the guy who raped me was my older sisters ex-boyfriend. shortly after that I tried to commit suicide I tried several times and for some reason I'm still hear. as the years went on with my husband he started to get this complex that he had to be in control of everything and everyone I wasn't allowed to go grocery shopping and wasn't allowed to have money and then when I said something about it we would get into arguments then shortly after that brawls he would hit me then I would try to fight back and failed miserably would stop fighting when I couldn't breathe after he'd hit me in the chest a couple of times I finally just got to the point to where when I would look at him i just got disgusted every time I heard his voice the way he ate the way he tried to force him self on me even to the way he dress
ed I just got to the point to where I couldn't find any reasons why we should stay together and then one day he just started being good to me and I thought okay everything's gonna change but then I had went to the gas station for a soda pop and when I came home I had caught him and my best friend in my bed in my house with my children in the next room, when they had come out I stood up to him and told him that we were going to get a divorce and then he had said something stupid so I hit him in his jaw he started to shake a little and then he dropped to his knees and that is when I went after him and then my brother pulled me away from him and then he pulled a gun on me and my brother we got a divorce on January 24,2002 it was finalized July 24.
I started to go nuts trying to find the love of my life and then I met this guy who at first I thought that he was and then later he changed, he ain't what I thought he would be.
I just want someone to love me for me I used to be a model and a life guard and I have always had this big gigantic heart and just about anyone who's around me can feel that I truly love and care for them but I still get walked on .
now I'm getting my utilities cut off and I'm being kicked out of my home and the guy I'm w/ doesn't have a job and doesn't want to work and I can't work because I'm trying to get on social security for mental problems and breathing problems, but this one doesn't seem to care what happens.
I've thought about suicide the last three weeks and so far I just can't seem to do it maybe I'm just week. I'f there is any one who has some sort of input on my situation please don't hesitate to e-mail me lanessiam@sbcglobal.net
thank you so very much for listening.

Anonymous (Oct 17, 2002): This article is very informative. I wish I had read this several years ago when my son was diagnosed with BPD. Thanks for the good coverage and medication informative. Knowing what each medication does and the side effects helps in finding the best medication to use. But it sure is a long road to finding the right place for an individual. Thanks.

Jon (Oct 18, 2002): After reading an article in the times newspaper I started to think of myself. My parents don't think that there is anything wrong with me and that I over exaggerate. I have since been looking for myself. I am 17 and confused. I have searched and have gotten no answers in return. No one seems to take this search seriously. I began slipping in school at grade5 and have been going up and down since. No one can explain it. They also said that I loved other people and was interactive with them but since the divorce thing drastically changed. I don't have mania but I do have several symptoms that relate to me. I think this may be the answer. Please help.