Electroboy

I'm lying on a gurney in the operating room at Gracie Square Hospital. I feel as if I'm waiting for either the scariest roller-coaster ride of my life for my own execution. I'm convinced that if I live, my brain will be reduced to a blank Rolodex. I look down at my bare feet. A flawless loafer tan line. Maybe I'll die wearing flesh-tone loafers.

As far as manic-depressive tales go, my stories are typical. My illness went undiagnosed for a decade, a period of euphoric highs and desperate lows highlighted by $25,000 shopping sprees, impetuous trips to Tokyo, Paris and Milan, drug and alcohol binges, days without sleep, sex with strangers and jail time. After seeing eight psychiatrists, I finally received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder on my 32d birthday. Over the next year and a half, I was treated unsuccessfully with more than 30 medications. My suburban New Jersey upbringing, my achievements as a film major at Wesleyan and a thriving career in public relations couldn't help me.

April 11, 1995. I'm in front of Barneys when it finally happens. My skin starts tingling and I feel as if my insides are spilling onto the sidewalk. Everything moves in slow motion. I can't hear. I rush home and climb into the empty bathtub. I lie still for hours. As a last resort, I'm admitted to the hospital for ECT, electroconvulsive therapy, more commonly known as
electroshock. The doctor explains the procedure to me. But
most important, he tells me that I will get better.

Seven A.M. The doctor and his team, as well as a group of residents, hover over me. Standing room only. I'm about to have my brains jolted with 200 volts of electricity while 10 note-taking spectators gawk. I'm thinking about being struck by lightning and the electric chair. I'm joking incessantly to fend off the terror. Is it too late for the call from the Governor? No call. The show must go on.

''Got an Amstel Light?'' I ask. No response. I give the thumbs up. An IV of Brevital, an anesthetic, is stuck into my arm, silencing me. I struggle to stay awake -- a losing battle. But I've been told what will happen: an IV of succinylcholine goes in next, relaxing my muscles to prevent broken bones and cracked vertebrae. The nurse sticks a rubber block in my mouth so I don't bite off my tongue, a mask over my mouth and nose so my brain is not deprived of oxygen, and electrodes on my temples. All clear. The doctor presses a button. Electric current shoots through my brain for an instant, causing a grand-mal seizure for 20 seconds. My toes curl. It's over. My brain has been ''reset'' like a windup toy.

I wake up 30 minutes later and think I'm in a hotel room in Acapulco. My head feels as if I've just downed a frozen margarita too quickly. My jaw and limbs ache. But I feel elated. ''Come, Electroboy,'' says the nurse in a thick
Jamaican accent. I take a sip of juice as she grabs my arm and escorts me downstairs, where my father is waiting with my best friend, a turkey sandwich and a Diet Coke. I ask questions. Do I have a job? No. An apartment? Yes. A dog? No.

When I get home, I reacquaint myself with my apartment. I'm not really sure it's mine. It feels as if I've been away for years. After a nap, I shower, get dressed and hail a cab. By 8 PM., I'm at a restaurant downtown, deliberating between the salmon and the veal.

After four treatments, there is marked improvement. No more egregious highs or lows. But there are huge gaps in my memory. I avoid friends and neighbors because I don't know their names anymore. I can't remember the books I've read or the movies I've seen. I have trouble recalling simple vocabulary. I forget phone numbers. Sometimes I even forget what floor I live on. It's embarrassing. But I continue treatment because I'm getting better.

And I actually start to love ECT. I have 19 treatments over the course of a year. I look forward to them. It's like receiving a blessing in a sanctuary. I rearrange my treatment schedule so that one falls on my birthday. I start believing that electric current purifies me. I become addicted to the rituals - fasting the night before, driving across Central Park to the hospital in the early morning, connecting to the machines that monitor my vital signs, closing my eyes and counting backward. It's an oddly religious experience. It's my meditation, my yoga, my tai chi.

On the one-year anniversary of my first electroshock treatment, I'm clearheaded and even-keeled. I call my doctor to announce my ''new and improved'' status and ask to be excused from ECT that week. He agrees to suspend treatment temporarily. Surprisingly, I'm disappointed. ECT reassures me. Soon I miss the hospital and my ''maintenance'' regimen. But I never see the doctor again. Two and a half years later, I still miss ECT. But medication keeps my illness in check, and I'm more sane than I've ever been. If I could only remember the capital of Chile.

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Discussions

Janet Pearl (Aug 22, 2001): I can relate to Electroboy's initial comparison of ECT to the electric chair and his complaint about loss of vocabulary recall. I had six ECT treatments for severe depression 18 months ago and can relate to his initial feeling that he was headed to the electric chair. I even signed a living will before I was led sobbing to my first treatment. I was convinced that I would be brain dead or, at least, a bumbling idiot afterwards. I don't remember much about the three weeks I spent in the hospital except the time I awoke from the anesthesia while the muscle relaxant was still working, resulting in a crushing feeling in the chest. "I can't breathe," I managed to strangle out the words before something was adjusted and I was alright. In fact, my memory loss was so severe that the psychiatrist discontinued the treatments. Since then I, too, have had great difficulty with vocabulary recall. I can be in the middle of a sentence and suddenly cannot remember the word I want to use. This has been troublesome, not to mention troubling, with some improvement in the past six months. Prior to my severe depression, I had an excellent memory. Now I have gone on disability, unable to return to a profession which requires absolute recall of situations. I've met people who have lost entire portions of their memories (reportedly as much as five years' worth) from ECT. When my doctor explained the process, he made it sound so benign and said it was a good alternative to the antidepressants that weren't working for me. Now I feel like the "little zap'll do ya" approach was wrong for me. I should have paid attention to my initial gut feeling. I don't know if I will ever totally regain my memory loss but I do know I will never again submit my brain to ECT.

Alanna (Oct 3, 2001): I had eight sessions of ECT four years ago for suicidal depression. I wasn't afraid of the treatment; in fact, I asked my doctor for it. I just felt it was the last resort, the only thing that would help. After the first treatment, I woke up aching all over; I felt like I'd been used as a punching bag for Cassius Clay. Next time, they increased the dose of muscle relaxant, and I was fine. Also after the first treatment, I had no clue as to who I was or where I was, but that passed after about half an hour. The memory loss problem is very real, and for me it isn't confined to a six month period before the treatments. Even today, a friend or relative can mention something that happened years before my ECT treatments, and I'll draw a complete blank. Sometimes, with enough reminders, some of the memory will come back. Other times, it won't. But the treatments worked, and if I found myself just as depressed, I wouldn't hesitate to go back for more treatments. To me, it's a choice between between loss of memory, or loss of life.

Andy (Jan 27, 2002): JUST AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT "ELECTROBOY: A MEMOIR OR MANIA" WILL BE PUBLISHED ON FEBRUARY 19TH BY RANDOM HOUSE.

"ELECTROBOY" IS A CHRONICLE OF MY BATTLE WITH MANIC DEPRESSION AND MY EXPERIENCE WITH ELECTROSHOCK THERAPY.

PLEASE VISIT ME AT WWW.ELECTROBOY.COM OR WRITE ME AT ELECTROBOY@ELECTROBOY.COM

Eric (Sept 20, 2002): I've not had ECT but had it recommended to me multiple times, starting the first year of my severe depression in 1998 at age 29. I honestly wish I had gotten ECT earlier in my depression and had not avoided it like I have done. It's sad that something couldn't be done about the myriad of emotional anti-ECT websites that are on the Internet. I wonder if many who have severe refractory depression and bipolar disorder who would benefit greatly from ECT are scared off when they browse the multiple anti-ECT websites on the net.

It also should be remembered that memory loss, sometimes severe, is a common part of severe mood disorders. No ECT or psychiatry drugs involved. When I first got clinically depressed in late 1997, the first thing that went was my concentration and memory. I felt confused all the time, couldn't make simple decisions like whether to turn left or right in my car, stuff like that. Couldn't do simple basic math or balance my checkbook, etc. I never had problems with cognition like that prior to major depression.

I couldn't remember jack. People would tell me something and Id totally forget it 10 seconds later. My memory has never fully recovered and I've never had ECT. So when talking about this ECT induced cognition problem, it ought to be remembered that many severe depressives already have screwed up memory and concentration just from the depression itself.

McMan (Sept 20): Hi, Eric. Undoubtedly, depression and bipolar affect cognition and brain function, even after the mood episode has gone. I think the illness may account for some of the memory loss, but when I hear about people who have lost large blocks of their memories my prime suspect is ECT. Many of the same people against ECT are also against meds, but I do feel people with bad experiences deserve to be heard. I'm sure they've scared off many who could really benefit from ECT. That's why I say do your research now while you have your wits about you and then make up your mind one way or the other while you still have a free choice.

LostBoyinNC (Oct 1, 2002): Ive not had ECT but had it recommended to me multiple times, starting the first year of my severe depression in 1998 at age 29. I honestly wish I had gotten ECT earlier in my depression and had not avoided it like I have done. Its sad that something couldnt be done about the myriad of emotional anti-ECT websites that are on the Internet. I wonder if many who have severe refractory depression and bipolar disorder who would benefit greatly from ECT are scared off when they browse the multiple anti-ECT websites on the net.

It also should be remembered that memory loss, sometimes severe is a common part of severe mood disorders. No ECT or psychiatry drugs involved. When I first got clinically depressed in late 1997, the first thing that went was my concentration and memory. I felt confused all the time, couldn't make simple decisions like whether to turn left or right in my car, stuff like that. Couldn't do simple basic math or balance my checkbook, etc. I never had problems with cognition like that prior to major depression.

I couldn't remember jack. People would tell me something and Id totally forget it 10 seconds later. My memory has never fully recovered and I've never had ECT. So when talking about this ECT induced cognition problem, it ought to be remembered that many severe depressives already have screwed up memory and concentration just from the depression itself.

Monse (Oct 1, 2002): I also was exposed to ECT several times during my six months stay at St.Clement´s hospital in London. All I can say is that I don't remember most of the things that happened to me during my stay in hospital but I do clearly remember most things before I had to go to hospital. I can't remember anything about the electro therapy. At the moment I live in Spain with my family fully recovered and trying to find a job.

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