An Appeal Fom Hell

Why do I do it? Why do I continue to delude myself into thinking that if I do all the right things, I'll be fine?

I just got my SSDI denial. It was a first-time claim, so denial was expected, of course, but all along I had a glimmer of hope that at some point in my wretched life I would matter. My family never cared, and over the years friends have come and gone, often throwing up their hands and shaking their heads. And now, even with a close friend, I'm forced to put on an act - an act that says, "Yeah, I'm a little down today, but don't worry, I'll be fine."

The truth is I am far from being fine. I live in the United States - the Land of Milk and Honey - a country of prosperity and technology, where research and medical miracles happen. But my government doesn't care about all its citizens. If I were important, if I were famous, I would be offered all possible options from research and medical arenas, but I am no one. I am insignificant. I am expendable. I am a throw-away.

"Snap out of it," I'm told. "You can be anything you want to be if you just apply yourself."

Well, what I want is to be normal!

I'm tired of the deep black hole of depression, tired of crying all the time, tired of mood swings, racing thoughts, and constantly considering suicide as my only way out. I'm tired of mind-numbing pain and fatigue. I want peace in my life. I want direction in my life. I want a life!

I would happily give up any of my strengths if I could get rid of the weakness in the process. I have God-given talents that I desperately want to use, yet I can't function for more than an occasional day or two at a time. My life is torture. I want it to end. I need it to end.

I often wonder if I haven't already died and gone to Hell. Because in Hell, pain is never-ending. And in Hell, no one cares.

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Sophy, Barbara, and Colleen articles All articles

Discussions

Julia (Oct 10, 2002): I hear the frustration, the anger at the system which seems to make it all so much harder for us. I too was sooooo filled with rage at the system.

People keep saying they can't help. And we feel so helpless. I think the only help for us is what we can find is by pulling together. One of us alone doesn't make much of a dent. The only chance we have is to join our voices to make one loud cry!

Enough! We are hurting and need help. A hand up and not a push down. I'm with you there Barbara in my heart.

Anonymous (Jan 31, 2003): All I can say is that I completely understand , feel, and own what you are saying. This is exactly how I feel in every way. It is a heart burst. It is injustice at its finest.

For me living like this makes me look around at the world and others who suffer with torturous and life threatening illnesses. I think to myself, why? Why me? Why others? What the hell is this? Well I don't know. Maybe there is a greater plan. Maybe we have to look at things from an outer perspective, like if one sees no negativity then they will never really know true peace in an appreciative or true way. Because they will not have experienced the duality of the peace or serenity. On the other hand if one experiences true hell, and is aware of at least the ability to experience true peace through having small increments of it, then maybe if one does achieve it it is that much more appreciated and, well, True.

What I am talking about here is Faith and a difference in perspective. Of course I will go back to my misery as well, and hopefully will achieve this peace one day. I am not a happy person nor am I really that optimistic. But there is no place to go but up. I guess it's the loneliness and the lack of love and understanding that really gets us down.

My thoughts and prayers to all in the struggle.

Barbara (Feb 11, 2003): UPDATE COMING SOON: I have my SSDI hearing scheduled for end of February. I hope to be able to update soon with good news. Thanks for your concern and well wishes. Peace to all and may God bless all who are going through this SSDI nonsense.....take care.

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Barbara Sebranek

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