I finally met him! My soul mate, best friend, lover, and companion. We worked together to care for the elderly, specialising in dementia care. He had come over from another country to live with family. He had told me that he wanted to get away from the rushed life he was living, drinking too much etc. He was doing so well, he had a handle on his drinking, we got closer and closer, we fell in love.

I remember a weekend we shared together. He told me that he had suffered from depression before he came over, he told me it was really under control and that that part of his life was over. I thought nothing more of it, thinking "we all get depressed at some point." We got along so well, same goals, same ideas, same interests, everything seemed perfect.

As time went on I noticed a change in his behaviour. He seemed very insecure, and paranoid, he always needed reassurance, and always thought there was something wrong if I was just having some quiet time, it became a daily thing for me to try and reassure him. At this point I was getting frustrated because no matter what I said, it didn't seem to sink in, I began to distance myself. He was about to start a new job and I had said to him that would be good as then we could have some time apart during the day. We had been spending 24/7 together with work and living arrangements.

He then started saying thinks like, "You don't want me in your life." I was still trying to convince him that everything would be OK. We were engaged at this point, and he thought I wanted to break it off. I told him that wasn't the case.

One Sunday morning, everything seemed to be fine. I said I was going to get up and do some housework. He said he was going to lie in bed for a bit longer. A few minutes later I walked up the hall to go to the bathroom, I saw him sitting on the side of the bed. He was dressed and he had made the bed. He was sitting with his back to me. I thought he was writing on a piece of paper. I went back to the kitchen to tidy up. He then came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted a coffee. We had a coffee together, we sat and talked.

He said that the new job wasn't going to make a difference to us and that "I know you love me but you don't want me in your life." Again, I tried to tell him that was not the case. I asked him if after the housework would he like to go for a walk. He said he felt like going for a walk by himself. At this point I thought it would be a good idea, a bit of time to ourselves. We gave each other a hug and I told him how much I love him. He said the same. I said to him "see you soon" and he said "yep", then he grabbed the smokes out of my bag and walked out the door.

I looked out the window and saw him walking across the lawn till he was out of sight. About an hour or so later, I sent him a message on his cell phone asking him how he was. The reply I got was, "Just remember no matter where I am I will always love you, you are my soul mate. Don't blame yourself."

I panicked. I text him back asking what he meant, then I got the final message, "I'm sorry."

I got in my car and searched for about three hours for him, going to all the places that we went to together. I kept sending him messages, with no reply. I went to see a friend, thinking maybe if she sent him a message he might reply. He didn't. I said to my friend the only reason he's not replying is because he is unable to."

When I was out looking, I heard sirens and saw a helicopter and I thought to myself ,"It can't be." I went home and collapsed in the hallway. I said to myself, I'm never going to see him again. I then rang his phone. The reason I hadn't earlier was that texting each other was our way. We never rang each other. I got his answer phone, left a message, then rang a second time to leave another message. I was a mess. I've never felt so helpless. I then rang the police to give them the information about the messages he had sent me.

While I was talking on the phone to the police, two other policemen came to the door. They came in. I knew what they were there for. They asked me to sit down because they had bad news for me. They then told me that my fiancé was dead.

There are no words to describe what I felt. I just sat there shaking and sobbing, trying to catch my breath. When I could finally breathe I asked them what he had done. The two policemen looked at each other, neither of them wanting to tell me. "He jumped in front of a train," one of them said.

I cannot even begin to describe what happened to me at that point. I was then asked to go to the hospital and identify him. I went there and when I walked into the room there he was, he was covered in a white sheet, the only part of him visible was his face. I knew he hadn't died straight away, as he still had tubes in his mouth. I just wanted to hold him and I wasn't allowed to as there was to be a autopsy.

I will never in my life forget that day. There are so many more emotions and events that took place. Shock sets in, and feelings, thoughts, etc, are hazy. I just knew that I had lost my best friend. It came to my attention over the next few days that my fiancé was a bipolar sufferer. His family was aware of this and aware that he had stopped taking his meds. They all assumed that I knew. I didn't.

I don't blame my fiancé in any way for what he chose to do. My regret is that I couldn't help him in the way that I would have tried to. He still is and always will be in my heart and soul.