As time passes, many people with bipolar disorder find themselves able to relate a humorous story of the effects of mania. Our humor may be tempered by shame, embarrassment and guilt even after years pass.

But stories of wild manic times are ubiquitous on the web and in support groups and social clubs. Indiscriminate spending. Inappropriate laughter. No sleep for days or weeks. Taking off in the car and driving into the night with no plan. Booking a sudden flight to Vegas or Hawaii. Selling everything you own.

The DSM-IV classification for mania lists dozens of manic episode symptoms. But there is one that I have not found more than passing mention of in personal stories after a year on the web and in a bipolar support group. Hypersexuality and promiscuity.

"I didn't think anything was wrong with me at the time," says Mike, 33, of his college promiscuity. "I'm sure my first manic episode started about the time I entered college at 17, but the promiscuity coincided with my sexual peak," he says. Mike estimates he had over 500 sexual partners during his years at a Catholic university in the Midwest. He says he is burdened now during his depressive phases with the "learned guilt" of his Irish Catholic upbringing and the regret of "never being able to commit to a relationship."

It was at the age of 28, in fact, when he saw all of his friends married or engaged and happy in fulfilling relationships that he began to question his morals, his desires, even his ability to love, and he sought counseling. The therapist dug deep into his Catholic home and his fears of inadequacy and failure that they certainly assumed were contributing to his hypersexuality, and in the course of those therapy sessions, Mike discussed his Springs and Summers of sleepless nights and endless prowling, followed by Falls and Winters of depression and isolation. The therapist referred him to a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with Bipolar I Disorder with seasonal features.

"At least I know what's coming in the Spring," Mike says. He says he has lost out on a number of relationships because of his Fall depressions. "I've met a few girls for whom I would give it all up," he says, "but I just can't pick up the phone in the fall. My answering machine light flickers madly with messages from the 'summer girls' and I never do call them back." Saddled with a growing reputation as a playboy, Mike toys with the idea of moving to a new city to find a real relationship. "But if I do it in the Spring I am afraid I will just start over again with new women."

Nancy, 32, is the mother of five children from four different fathers. She works two jobs to support them. "I was always well behaved but melancholy as a child," she says, "and not too popular with boys as a teen." That all changed when at 18 she met Thad, lead singer of a local band. "I went from the prissy girl in sweater sets and pleated skirts to the vamp in a mini-dress slam dancing to punk music."

Along with her new look came a new perspective on sex. "Thad had a reputation as a womanizer so I never gave my heart to him, just my body." After losing her virginity to Thad, she went on to have sex with all seven members, serially, of the punk rock band. This set off a fight among the band members and their girlfriends of such magnitude that Nancy, 19 and pregnant, moved away. "I thought if I could start over I would raise my baby in a good atmosphere and settle down."

She became profoundly depressed over the Christmas holidays and woke up in the psychiatric ward after an overdose of sleeping pills. "I did open up to the social worker about my relationships and the doctor told me I was manic depressive and I started on lithium."

Nancy moved in with a new boyfriend a few months later but when off the lithium when she started gaining weight. She worked all day at a print shop while her boyfriend stayed home with her son and their baby. She discovered the punk scene in her new city and started staying out all night that summer, having sex almost every night with different partners and experimenting with drugs.

"I was addicted to the mania for at least five years and wouldn't go to a doctor or go on any meds," she says. "Inside I knew I just wanted a good relationship and stability for my kids, but I couldn't stop the 'buzz' I had from almost constant mania." It took the loss of two more relationships and the breakup of an engagement to "a dream guy" and the births of her three subsequent children to convince Nancy to seek out a new psychiatrist and try medication again.

Mike and Nancy are two people with bipolar disorder willing to talk, in the veil of relative anonymity the Internet provides, about the hypersexuality that often accompanies mania. But many more sit in support groups, chat rooms and on message boards afraid their story is too unimaginably shameful to relate, even to other bipolars.

For three free online issues of McMan's Depression and Bipolar Weekly, email me and put "Sample" in the heading and your email address in the body.

For Part II, please click here.

Diagnosis articles All Articles

This article first appeared on Suite101.com - Mental Illness in Families and Society, and is reproduced by the kind permission of the author, Amy Hillgren Peterson. You can check out her topic here, and her remarkable memoir of coming of age and bipolar, Elusive Butterfly, here and order it from Amazon.com here.

Discussions

FW (Oct 1, 2002): I have read many of the articles on this web site and can relate to them. But I have to say this article in hit the nail on the head. I have a wonderful husband now, my 3rd one, and have no reason to be with anyone else. It never fails every spring I hit my manic phase, go out get drunk and end up in bed with someone. I promise myself it won't happen again, but it always does. This year I do have some hope I ended up in the hospital again and am really starting to understand this disorder. Between the medication and gaining knowledge about this disorder perhaps I have a chance at a more normal life.

Johno (Oct 10, 2003): This page resonates with me as well. I am male, 30, still undiagnosed, but on Zyprexa. I don't want to go into the details about the manifestations of my psychosis, but I regard the lyrics of this song by The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony - as a modern-day psalm. I have strong faith in Jesus - but also struggle with sexual identity issues, past trauma and alcohol dependence.

Bittersweet Symphony :

"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no"

.........between the "no change" and "I can't change" - I like to think I can change.

Clara (Nov 24, 2004): The dark side of mania part 1 Thank you for this article. I have translated it and posted it on a French forum where I pass a lot of my time. Today there have been quite a few discussions relating to sexuality and relationships!

Post your opinion here.

Amy Hillgren Petersen

Order my book on Amazon

Order now

Newsletter

Your online source for issues that matter to you.

For free samples, email me and put "Sample" in the heading and your email address in the body.

Find out more.

Bookstore

Shop for depression and bipolar books online here.