Mania is commonly described as "an overwhelming euphoria" and I have heard from a number of non-bipolars that "oh, wow, mania must be really fun!"

At times it is.

Some people with bipolar disorder who start feeling the stabilizing effects of their medications say they miss the mania. "I could accomplish anything," they say, "I was so alive!"

Kelly, 39, does miss the euphoric highs of mania but looks resigned when she says, "I know I can never have it again." Kelly is separated from her prominent businessman husband and has visitation, but lost custody of her daughters Ryann, 15, and Corinne, 14.

She had a manic episode that lasted from Christmas through "about Valentine's Day" when her husband was finally able to have her involuntarily committed. The crushing humiliation of that commitment was enough to bring her crashing down from the mania, but the damage was done.

"I spent all my money," she says sadly. "I heard voices that told me to spend all my money so I did." In those six weeks, Kelly spent over $50,000.00 on clothes, shoes, jewelry, and expensive meals, most of which could not be returned. "I am the best dressed woman on SSI now, I'm sure," she says sadly. On the day she was committed, she was in an exclusive clothing boutique where the salesperson had just told her that her credit card was declined.

"That's the moment when my euphoria turned to rage," Kelly says

Marcus, 22, knows the rages all too well. It was on New Year's Eve that Marcus had an altercation with the police that landed him in jail and evicted from the apartment he shared with his girlfriend Kendall, 19.

"I regret calling the police now," Kendall says. "but he was really out of control and I was scared. I thought he was doing drugs or something." What started out as a beautiful starry night for the couple ended one hour into the new millennium with Marcus booked in jail and committed to the hospital and Kendal spending the night at her mother's house.

"Around 11:00 he started getting really edgy, not like himself," Kendall remembers. "Marcus couldn't sit still in the restaurant; it's not so much that he wouldn't, but he couldn't." Kendall paid the check and they quickly left.

"I drove home and the whole time Marcus was screaming and cursing at me," she says. "I was sobbing and asking, 'what have I done to make you so angry?' and he cried and said, 'I don't know. I don't know.'" Kendall says.

"All I remember," Marcus says, "is this feeling that something horrible was going to happen -- that I was going to die. And I remember beating my fists and my head against the window back at the apartment."

"That's what really scared me," Kendall says, "the fact that he was so out of control. I panicked."

That's when Kendall called the police. "I was screaming at him by this time," Kendall says, "I was screaming, 'are you on drugs, Marcus? Are you? Are you on meth?"

"That set me off, too, her accusing me like that," Marcus says. He threw a vase at Kendall's head. Marcus has tears in his eyes as he remembers it now. "I wish I could take back what I've done."

Marcus was hospitalized for three weeks while the medication took effect. Kendall moved back in with her mother, who allowed her to move in on the condition that she broke up with Marcus and didn't see him.

"Up to that point, my mom always like Marcus, she just didn't like me moving in with a guy at 18." Kendall started researching bipolar disorder on the Internet and talked to her brother, Jay, a medical student. As she started to understand the nature of bipolar disorder she felt she could handle the relationship and even help Marcus stabilize his moods. With her brother's encouragement, and in spite of her mother's reservations, she and Marcus found a new apartment and moved back in together.

"We are taking it day by day right now," Marcus says, "but the meds are keeping my moods stable."

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This article first appeared on Suite101.com - Mental Illness in Families and Society, and is reproduced by the kind permission of the author, Amy Hillgren Peterson. You can check out her topic here, and order Elusive Butterfly from Amazon.com.

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