The Adventures of Duperman

"You're a wimp, Duper Man!" he jeered, wagging a sausage-link pinky in the direction of the fallen Superhero. "A wuss, a sissy, a chicken, and" - he paused in anticipation of the unkindest cut of all - "a lib-ber-al."

Duper Man could have sent Attila Friendly into a collision course with one of the moons of Saturn without getting off the couch, and be hailed as the liberator of planet earth by a grateful nation in the process, but the Man of Tungsten couldn't be bothered.

"Leave me alone," he begged Attila Friendly. "Go pick on John Kerry or someone."

Attila Friendly, as everyone knew, was a one-man political wrecking crew, who had effectively scuttled the previous Administration's plans for health care reform, patient's rights, and affordable drugs for everyone. Once he got before a microphone, he could literally bend the nation's will to his own.

"You're no fun, anymore," sneered the scourge of the airwaves, making his way out the door. "Now I'll have to find something more interesting to do, like taking school lunches away from poor children."

Duper Man tried to rise from his couch, but sunk back into the pillows, a defeated man.

"Clinical depression - Ha!," called out Attila Friendly just before slamming shut the door. "Who needs Craptonite?"

Of all the people in the world to catch me at home in my Duper Man getup, the Man of Tungsten thought. Oh well, he decided, it could have been worse. It could have been Polly Pane.

The day before, Attila had mocked him mercilessly about how silly he looked lying on the couch in his cape.

Who would have ever guessed that a man who could leap tall buildings would be felled by a common mental condition? he could only think. Nothing had worked - none of the antidepressants, either individually or in combination, nor with any exotic augmenters such as the antipsychotics. His only hope, he knew, was to get to his secret laboratory on the North Pole and somehow come up with a pill that could handle his duper-dimensioned neurotransmitters.

...

It had taken him two attempts to get airborne, and a head wind over Canada nearly sent him into Hudson Bay, and even when he finally got to his secret lab, his brain kept telling him to take a rest and delay his work until the next day. But he had preserved against incredible odds, and now the duper-strength antidepressant he had created was in his brain and working wonders. He was back to his old self. It was time to confront Attila Friendly and spare the world from further harm.

...

"Ah, Duper Man, I was expecting you," said Attila Friendly in his radio sound booth, not showing the faintest sign of fear. "You could have used the door, you know."

"Spare me the niceties," Duper Man cut in.

Attila Friendly's sausage-link pinky shot up in the air. "But you are my guest," he reminded the Man of Tungsten. "Allow me to show you around." He gestured toward a strange machine in the control room. "My little secret," he confided in Duper Man. "When people hear my voice, they completely lose the will to resist. They think the way I want them to think, do what I want them to do."

So THAT'S how he does it, Duper Man thought, literally speechless.

The scourge of the airwaves allowed himself a beneficent smile. "Oh, come now, Duper Man," he chided, "even you must have known that no one in their right minds would fall for my kind of crap."

He handed Duper Man a campaign button. "Attila for President," it read.

"That's right," the scourge of the airwaves grinned. "Today the radio waves, tomorrow the world."

There was only one person who possessed the evil genius to pull off such a master crime, the superhero thought.

"You guessed it," said Attila Friendly, reading his mind. Casually, he toyed with a button on his suit coat. Almost instantly, Attila Friendly fell to the floor like a deflated doll, and in his place stood Lox Lather, arch-criminal.

"So we meet again," said Duper Man, trying to maintain his cool.

"The pleasure is mine," rejoined Lox Lather in a chirpy voice.

"You're forgetting one thing," Duper Man reminded him. "I've got my strength back. You and your evil plans are history."

"No, YOU'RE forgetting one thing," Lox Lather shot back. "I now know your weakness."

As if on cue, from out of the wall appeared what looked like a giant ray gun from those 1950s science fiction comic books. Instantly, Duper Man felt the energy drain out of him, along with the will to go on.

"My serotonin-depletion machine," the arch-criminal explained. "Say hello to the mother of all depressions."

Duper Man felt himself sinking to the floor. "And say goodbye to the Man of Straw," was the last thing he heard.

To be continued.

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