What you can do to get you and your loved one through the trying times ahead.

"We cannot get through the mourning process alone. It is important to reach out."

More coping articles

Part II

Part III

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3.1-8

Terrorism is not so much about winning wars as breaking our spirits. The events of Sept 11 were calculated to cause as much psychological damage on as large a scale as possible. You don't have to join an army to fight back. You merely have to dare to look after yourself and not allow yourself to become a victim. The governments of the world will seek out the perpetrators of this outrage and bring them to justice. Your job is to do what it takes to get you and your loved ones through these trying times.  Following is advice culled from four timely articles:

From the APA

In the wake of Tuesday’s attacks, the American Psychological Association has posted the following advice:

• Give yourself time to heal. Anticipate that this will be a difficult time in your life. Allow yourself to mourn the losses you have experienced. Try to be patient with changes in your emotional state.
• Ask for support from people who care about you and who will listen and empathize with your situation. But keep in mind that your typical support system may be weakened if those who are close to you also have experienced or witnessed the trauma.
• Communicate your experience in whatever ways feel comfortable to you - such as by talking with family or close friends, or keeping a diary.
• Find out about local support groups that often are available such as for those who have suffered from natural disasters, or for women who are victims of rape. These can be especially helpful for people with limited personal support systems.
• Try to find groups led by appropriately trained and experienced professionals. Group discussion can help people realize that other individuals in the same circumstances often have similar reactions and emotions.
• Engage in healthy behaviors to enhance your ability to cope with excessive stress. Eat well-balanced meals and get plenty of rest. If you experience ongoing difficulties with sleep, you may be able to find some relief through relaxation techniques. Avoid alcohol and drugs.
• Establish or reestablish routines such as eating meals at regular times and following an exercise program. Take some time off from the demands of daily life by pursuing hobbies or other enjoyable activities.
• Avoid major life decisions such as switching careers or jobs if possible because these activities tend to be highly stressful.
• Become knowledgeable about what to expect as a result of trauma.

Helping Kids Cope

Posted a year or two ago in the wake of the rash of school shootings, the NIMH has an article letting parents know how kids may react and what they can do.

Children five and younger may experience separation anxieties from parent and revert to behaviors experienced at earlier ages such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting. Children six to 11 may show extreme withdrawal, disruptive behavior, and/or inability to pay attention. A range of behaviors and symptoms from nightmares to stomach aches to depression are often present, as well. Adolescents 12 to 17 may exhibit flashbacks, nightmares, depression, substance abuse, and antisocial behavior, amongst others.

Things parents and caring adults can do are:

• Explain the episode of violence or disaster as well as you are able.
• Encourage the children to express their feelings and listen without passing judgment. Help younger children learn to use words that express their feelings. However, do not force discussion of the traumatic event.
• Let children and adolescents know that it is normal to feel upset after something bad happens.
• Allow time for the youngsters to experience and talk about their feelings. At home, however, a gradual return to routine can be reassuring to the child.
• If your children are fearful, reassure them that you love them and will take care of them. Stay together as a family as much as possible.
• If behavior at bedtime is a problem, give the child extra time and reassurance. Let him or her sleep with a light on or in your room for a limited time if necessary.
• Reassure children and adolescents that the traumatic event was not their fault.
• Do not criticize regressive behavior or shame the child with words like "babyish."
• Allow children to cry or be sad. Don't expect them to be brave or tough.
• Encourage children and adolescents to feel in control. Let them make some decisions about meals, what to wear, etc.
• Take care of yourself so you can take care of the children.

Minimizing Effects of Terrible Tuesday

The National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association offers the following advice:

• Allow yourself some time to grieve. If you have experienced a personal loss, this may take some time. Do not try to rush it or hide these feelings.
• Express your feelings by talking to friends or family members. Ask for support from people who care about you.
• Get all the facts, then limit your exposure to the news. While it's important to stay informed, don't focus all of your energy on this one event. Television news can be very graphic and disturbing.
• Keep to your daily routine. Eat healthy meals, get regular exercise, get plenty of rest.
• Don’t forget to continuing taking any medications you are on. Going off of meds will only make the situation worse.
• Stay as physically active as you can. Even light exercise such as walking can help minimize physical effects of stress.
• Avoid major life decisions at this time. Wait until you are no longer feeling stressed.
• Get involved. Help out. Volunteer to give blood or donate money or clothing to a local charity that is helping victims.

Grief

An article by Glen Davidson MD on the website Beyond Indigo, posted before Tuesday’s tragedy in the context of the death of a family member, advises on the stages of grieving:

1. Shock and numbness (first two weeks). Feelings may include disbelief, denial, anger, guilt. Behaviors may include crying, physical symptoms, loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, emotional outbursts, impeded functioning.
2. Searching and yearning (two weeks to four months). A wide range of feelings and behaviors from despair to poor memory. According to Dr Davidson: "We need to talk things out in order to refocus our interpretations. We cannot get through the mourning process alone. It is important to reach out during the first four months when motivation is high."
3. Disorientation (peaks at four to seven months). A wide range of feelings and behaviors including guilt, depression, low treatment compliance, resistance to reaching out, and trying to live as if nothing has happened. According to Dr Davidson: "The victim must beware of trying to live as if nothing has happened or giving into the urge to flee the setting in which the loss occurred, for these are temporary solutions to a permanent situation."
4. Reorganization. Renewal and return to stable sleeping and eating, etc.

Dr Davidson warns these phases are not necessarily discrete and sequential, tending to overlap and shift back and forth.

Web Resources

Three of the websites above come from a list posted on John Grohol’s Psych Central.

Discussion Board

Patty Pheil of Mental Health Sanctuary has opened a special discussion board.

Chats

HealthyPlace.com has set up a special chatroom open 24/7.

Writing

Keep in mind that writing can be a very healing activity. Do not hesitate to email me at jmcmanamy@snet.net. Having publication as a motive is not necessary. You may simply wish to get your feelings down "on paper" and share them with someone. Your privacy and confidentiality will be respected.

Parting Thought

On this mountain the Lord will swallow up the veil that shrouds all the peoples, the pall thrown over all the nations; he will swallow up death forever. Then the Lord God will wipe away the tears from every face and remove the reproach from the whole earth.

Isaiah 25.7,8

John McManamy

Out of madness - reason. Out of evil - compassion. Out of despair - hope.

Part II

Discussions

How have the events of Terrible Tuesday affected you?  What are your thoughts and feelings?

Judy (Sept 15, 2001):  I am still trying to take it in. It often takes me a long time to feel the feelings after a shocking event occurs. I think most of my life I have thought the best thing to do is to move on rather than acknowledge the pain. I was interested in the comment that it is the spirit that is under threat. The pictures were so graphic that they can play on the mind, long after the event. The thing that upsets me most is that human beings never seem to learn. They say that killing innocent people is wrong and they react with more violence and call it justice. I wish I could truly believe that we are capable of changing this pattern.

Tom (Sept 17, 2001):  I live in the UK so New York and Washington have, up to last week, been “fairytale” cities that appear in the Movies. My impression of New York was one of an emotionally cold and business like city, sort of like London on speed. I was horrified by the news on Tuesday but also heartened by the way New Yorkers pulled together in such devastating conditions. Friends of mine were in tears all week as the news unfolded, and they had no contacts with people in the city at all. I can only begin to imagine the emotional pain of those with friends and family still missing and the fear of those living and working in New York and Washington. My heart goes out to all those in America. I would like to add one more thing, a quotation (probably a misquote) of Gandhi, “An eye for an eye may seem fine, but the world will end up blind.”

Melissa (Oct 5, 2001):  I find myself ambivalent about my feelings toward what happened in New York and Washington.  I've seen so much horror on the news in the past several years.  It is hard for me to believe that this is worse because it is in the United States.  Innocent people have been killed in great numbers through terrorism and civil war long before 9-11-01.  I am especially concerned about the sudden burst of patriotism that, in some instances, borders on xenophobia. After hearing broad statements made by the neighbors around me right now, I feel compassion for Americans of Middle Eastern descent.  I hope we don't forget the way Americans of Asian descent were treated during World War II.

I also feel like the attack was over-reported by the media.  I watched loved ones fall into states of fear and depression after watching hours and hours of footage.  My eight-year-old watched a person jump to his death.  Long after everyone I knew had seen the towers collapse, the same piece of footage was playing over and over again. By the time the firefighter's tapes were on the airwaves, I felt sorry for the families that are forced to go through this again and again every time they turn on the news.  I really feel like I had no business listening in on those tapes, none of us do.

Anonymous (Oct 7, 2001):  I disagree with your opinion due to the size of the attack it is inevitable that the press display this event in its entirety.  Yes I do agree that it must be torturous for the relatives of the deceased to witness this tragedy every two minutes of TV but by the same token it is necessary for the American people to be well aware of the capability of destruction that terrorist have so that they could understand and make it a national mission to eradicate terrorist movements from the world.  As painful as it may seem the press has served a crucial purpose by displaying the magnitude of the event worldwide. We are no longer in a world where we could have the luxury of sheltering  our children from the the harsh reality that we are living so as painful as it is for everybody it is time we all rise and confront the this reality that we have been posed with and pursue world eradication of terrorism in all countries.

Anna (Oct 10, 2001):  It has now been almost a month since the Attack on America, and still the media has not gotten the hint.  There has been a lot of information given on TV and over the radio and internet that should never have been reported.  In a situation like we are dealing with now, these so called government officials who are giving every little piece of info out to the press need to keep their mouths shut.  It is very important that the military and government actions of the United States be kept secret in order to protect the lives of US civilians and the lives of our armed services.

Jo (Oct 22):  Terrible Tuesday didn't cause my latest plunge into a depression, but it exacerbated it.  It was that week when I started to say, "I don't want to live alone.  I can't live alone."  After a couple days in front of the TV., I resolutely turned it off and decided to focus on other things.  But a trip outside required confrontation with flags all over the place at half-mast.  I felt nauseous and couldn't escape the sadness.

Anonymous (Nov 14, 2001):  Being in the middle of a severe depression w/ mixed features, Terrible Tuesday hasn't affected me at all.

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John McManamy