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When I First Knew I Was Different

Alone, Against the World

Aloysious and Me

Crash and Burn

To Madness and Back

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Healing

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 Madness Posts

Sophia (July 25, 2001):  Your article was so true about the wars inside our head even though we may appear to be normal outside .I am 21 years old most people around me consider me to be above average intelligent and fairly normal if a little different but nothing alarming .And only i know the high and the lows of mania the high that listening to a song can take me into places that this world seems unimportant and lows that i can cry helplessly on me for no reason at all .I have always told myself that i am normal just a little sensitive and different but now i know i have a problem .And reading your article told me that you don't have to be a raving maniac to be bipolar ,you can be apparently high functioning
and happy person from outside but what is inside is different story all together . KEEP up the good work i am going to be visiting this side more often to know and learn to accept my condition.

Anne (Aug 1, 2001):  You're tops as a writer. I think I was in denial about my mental illness until I got mildly psychotic and began to break down at age 32. Of course, after a string of hospitalizations, two years of intense psychotherapy with a gifted therapist that addressed my abuse and mental illness issues, and finding adequate medication, after time I've stabilized and come to realize with hindsight the number of times I had gotten psychotic throughout the years. I don't think of my illness as a monster, but I do respect the profound mystery of my being, and I respect the mental illness.  I see recovery as an ongoing growth toward health. Thank you for this website and for sharing your story.

Anonymous (Nov 20, 2001):  I have read some of your website and your articles. Sorry, your experience does not relate well to mine. Yours is too middle class.  I was homeless and a couple of times jailed, like MANY others, but I still went on to get a couple of graduate degrees. Your writings still contain traces of grandiosity

If you want your website to contain the most up to date information you would consult the scientific literature at your local medical school library. You would also interview scientists in the field. This may seem too difficult and technical but I think it is time to move the conversation up a notch.

I enjoyed a couple of your columnists who seemed a little more real and also your bipolar board.

McMan (Nov 20):  This website welcomes life stories from people of all backgrounds and from all experiences, Anonymous, not just the ones you would like to see. What happened in my life is what happened. I was never institutionalized or homeless, and if you can't relate to that, that's your business. 

As for your other comments, my articles come from many reputable sources, including the latest scientific literature, mental health conferences, and interviews with experts.  My research is extremely time-consuming, as is writing the articles in clear non-technical fashion.  If you prefer a more academic approach, then you should be the one visiting the medical libraries.

Christy (Dec 12, 2001):  I feel blessed to have found your site today. I am in college seeking a degree in non-profit management. I am a 29 year old mother of a nine year old with down syndrome, and a seven year old son with Bipolar disorder, that my father and I both also share as a part of our life. I thought that living with the ups and downs in my own life, and the past of disruption in my childhood from my father was enough. The pain however of having my seven year old so out of control, on medications, in and out of the hospital is almost unbearable. I am married to a wonderful man, God Bless him, who works many hours at his job as a manager, and is also a full time student seeking a religion and philosophy degree. Even with daily ups and downs, and more severe ups and downs we are actually living a life, not just surviving. Your stories are beautiful and give me much hope. I hope my story will touch someone too. Thank you for your site. God Bless all of our Brothers and Sisters out there.

McMan (Dec 12): Many thanks, Christy.  May these holidays be special to you and your family.

Charlie (Dec 27, 2001):  I love your writing, I always look for personal accounts and life stories when searching the web. They are few and far between. Although my circumstances were different than yours. I do get insight into by own bipolar life. (47 yrs.)

Anonymous commented that his/her life circumstances were not of the upper middle class, not having all the tools and talents to manipulate and find success in this good old boy/network kind of world. I can empathize with how that feels. I also get tired of always hearing of very talented people turning out vast amounts of genius level achievements and then crashing.

I have had several manic highs when I thought I was a genius. I bought new excavators, skid steers, Dump trucks and trailers, huge fifth wheel camper too the tune of over $100,000 for working on my sideline design build landscape business on the weekends of my full time job as a park ranger.

After a summer of running halfway across the country several times, getting into hot water at work feeling there was a conspiracy to get me fired, and going after all the top management in the government trying to convince them I was being wronged, I may have damaged those relationships beyond repair. I have also pushed for improvements to the trail systems and landscaping and have made some progress there.

I then completely crashed when it all caught up with me on Oct, 18, 01

I proceeded into the Mother of Depressions, getting extensive drug treatment and therapy. I have 3 months of FMLA leave signed off on by my Pdoc. So one way or another I have to get better to go back to work Jan.21 02. I hope to reconnect and rebuild my relationships at work. I am fortunate to work with great people, Hopefully I can present them with information on this lifetime illness and we can all live together in love and harmony.

McMan (Dec 27):  Hi, Charlie.  You took the most important step by acknowledging you needed help.  Recovery won't be a rose garden, but now you can look forward to repairing your relationships rather than wrecking them.  May you have a great 2002.

Carl (Jan 27, 2002):  I am very much in the midst of the madness at this point in my life. As my name denotes I am always angry. I hate all of the normal people who don't have to live with this disease. I recently moved back to my home town from L.A., I dearly loved living in the city but I was not doing well and I really have to admit that. Most days getting out of bed and coming to work is about all I can do, some days I can do a little more. I feel retarded, there is a lot of emotional stuff in life I don't understand. I'm really flat I don't feel I don't get mad anymore, unless I perceived someone who is looking at me wrong or I think wants trouble. I'm 6'5 350+ pounds who wants trouble with my big crazed deranged butt, heck I wouldn't even start trouble with me. I often day dream about fighting all the time. I fight everyone and everything and I never lose I barely get hit.
I don't know how bad things are now I just know that they are definitely going to  get worse before they get any better, and I'm almost afraid to see what comes next.

Mr McMan, I want to thank you for what you are doing here on your website. I told myself something profound was going to happen to me today, it did I found your site.

As sad as I feel I can not muster up any tears I don't really care what happens to me at this point and I really think it may be time for me to leave. I know everyone says that death is not the answer, and that you only lose when you quit, I just don't think I can go on any longer.

Jamie (Oct 1, 2002): Hiya. Thanks for your sharings. I have never thought I might be bipolar or whatsoever. I knew I was weird. But once I started to think I am, I think I am giving reasons to myself. And its always so contradictory. Confusing. And lotsa fuzzy feelings inside me.

Never felt totally at ease with myself. When I was younger I always felt so alienated. And with inferiority complexity which I had never discussed with anyone nor shown on my surface. No one knows the turbulence that is going through in my mind and heart. My friends always think I am perfect. Good looks, good family, good brains... But little do they know, how I see to myself. Entirely different from their views. Its tiring sometimes to keep up. So many times, I talked to myself. Trying to boost my spirit up... Thanks to my spiritual energy derived from my Buddhist practice, I am what I am today. Not experiencing a total breakdown where I can't get up on my own.

Of course, when the high comes, I am all energy. And the best part, which I have come to realise, my talent of being able to relate to people. Being able to ease people of their suffering. I guess I have a flair in writing and it just come naturally to me to encourage another person. And the best feeling comes when I am able to see the difference I made in another's life.
Its a roller coaster. I know it when the downs is coming. I guess, over time, we have to be strong. Have to believe in ourselves. And when the downs comes, we are able to lift us out of it. Difficult it maybe. But not impossible though.
I have always loves writing but in recent years, I have just stopped without reason and its making me feeling emptiness... a vacuum in my life. But today, now that I am writing, I can feel the energy building up again. I will start writing again. Maybe one day, I will become a great writer. Someone who made a difference in our world just like you. Thanks McMan... Happiness is the joy in others.

Dave (Oct 12, 2002): To our anonymous friend and his comments. I am sure he is a learned man.  However a person can only truly know what he has experienced. All of the knowledge and science in the world cannot replace first hand information which has as its starting point first hand experience. I am one of the people who has experienced similar episodes in my life as those of our writer. As he knows and I know science is far away from an understanding of depression and bipolar disorder. If our anonymous friend considers those of us who possess the first hand experience as laypeople then perhaps he needs to listen to more of those of us who are capable to relate our experiences with lapses and treatments. Only by accepting us laypeople and the relationship with us can he and others of his profession truly begin to find the key to these disorders. Perhaps he should come to the conclusion that all matters are not explainable in scientific terms.

Bert (Oct 15, 2002): Anonymous sounds like a jerk. I've noticed that a few people have gotten irritated because of stories of high functioning bipolars who crash. It bothers me too because I've been a failure my whole life. I've always been close to the poverty level. I would love to be able to tell a story about how I bought 100,000 dollars worth of equipment while in a manic phase or was a practicing scientist. Or invented something. I haven't accomplished squat. I can't concentrate and I forget stuff. When people meet me They think I'm intelligent for the first 10 minutes, I hate when they ask me what I do. I'm a janitor. I wish I thought I was a genius once in a while, that would be a break from my total lack of confidence in myself. I have gone to college but still can't keep a decent paying job. I still loved your article especially the paragraph about needing a religious experience.

Brandi (Oct 20, 2002): First of all I want to say to Mr. Anonymous that we are all as bipolar clients struggling to be the best people we can be.  I do not understand why you want to pick apart Mr. McManamy when he puts so much effort into bringing us information on bipolar research--to help us all.  Instead of criticizing, just contribute what you can to help this world be a better place.  You do not need to prove yourself worthy by trying to put yourself in a superior position over Mr. McManamy--you are worthy because you are you and God does not esteem anyone over anyone else. 

Next, I would like to say that the crashes are so humbling.  I achieved a bachelor degree in Accounting while working, raising a daughter, getting divorced, then getting remarried, then having a son.  After my son was born, I crashed into a psychotic, suicidal depression and began a string of hospitalizations--7 times (2 suicide attempts by overdosing).  The staff had a hard time diagnosing me until this year when I was bouncing off the walls in the hospital singing, dancing, playing the piano, and finally becoming very enraged because the sound of the air conditioning was hurting my ears.  I also at times had such a spiritual connection with the other patients, that I helped them have insights into their own recovery.

I owe my recovery to God and Jesus.  Through prayer, I have been led to great therapy and great input on my medication choices.  Eating healthy, exercise, engaging in my life's passions, continuously improving myself and my relationships, exercising, and prayer are leading to stability.  Thank you so much for your courage!!  It inspires me.

Cindy (Jan 31, 2003):  Your personal story was very touching.  I was suprised at the amount of success people with this illness can achieve, and it gives me hope.  You spoke of a barrier between you and other people, I have had that all my life and do not know how to overcome it.  I have hopes that it will come to me, whatever that is.  It is so great to hear from someone who understands my baffling predicament.  My periods of mania are subdued so that I think I am bipolar two.  Maybe that is why my success has been limited also, I think.  I have a problem with identity, I wondered if anyone else did.  I guess you change so much, it's easy to forget who you are.  The depression is you laying in bed with only your awful thoughts for company, and if I know someone else has gotten through maybe I can too.  I wish you the best.

Glenda (March 10, 2003):  I have spent the past several years dealing with equal amounts of love and hatred for another human being and myself.  It has clouded out all rational behavior and though most of the time I am "keeping it together", I have managed to lose my career and my house.  I owe people money left and right and I can't find a way out of the dark hole.

Now to honest with you, nobody around me sees the truth or the depth of what is ruling me and I function ... I go to work, I cook meals, I play with my grandson, I drive my daughter back and forth to work, I call people on the phone and talk to them.  I even see a therapist on occasion.

They don't know, nor do they get, nor could they possibly understand the depth of my emotional pain.  And neither do I.

So, I really grasped the story you wrote because I was recently called upon to go on a job interview in Ithaca, New York to do what I have done career-wise for 24 years.  And they didn't want me.

Did I want them?  Probably not.  But I would have functioned and done my job.  They couldn't have known that ... didn't see it ... I blew it.  I blew it because I was too comfortable and acted like I'd known them forever.  Said things that didn't meet their criteria and were out of the blue.  And while they were coming out of my mouth, I knew that they wouldn't understand my meaning and I didn't try to explain.

I am isolating.  I am a Christian and I cannot go to Church.  I am an alcoholic and I cannot make myself go to meetings.  I'm not drinking, don't want to drink.  Just as much as I want to connect with people, I don't.

I don't understand myself and I know it will eventually pass.  I take medication.  Without it I am as irritable as they come.  And bouncing off he walls.  Is this better, yes.  Am I well, no.

I am trying a diet that I hope will help some.  No sugar and little if any carbohydrates.  I've been told it works.  I hope so cuz all I've done for the past year is gain weight, which creates more weight gain through apathy and depression.

I'm having a "mixed episode" ... I pray for it to end.

Thank you for your ear.  I need to get honest about it and share the truth with someone.

Heyokahmoon (July 4, 2003):  The heyokah is a clown in Native American Tradition. Teaches truth with tricks and riding horses backwards- Coyote is a constant companion. It makes me wonder.  Is this bipolar thing a gift in disguise?  Do we get depressed because we see a BIGGER picture while all around us find it  just too absurd, and label the insights as delusional and distorted?

It makes me wonder if Jesus was bipolar.  Visions, 40 days isolation in the desert,.  He was crucified - seems familiar to me.

I find it interesting that many of the readers here talk about God and spirituality. Could it possibly be that the bipolar nature has access to Higher Truth?  If a "bipolar" individual had been born into another culture such as the Native American, would this person have been honored as a Shaman or Medicine Man, with access to other realms?  Like a talent.

Public opinion declared the world flat, until it was discovered to be round.

Gill (Sept 25, 2003):  There was much amusement to be found and sadness as I recognised symptoms others are blind too.  I am newly diagnosed and still trying to come to terms with the fact I suffer from a serious mental health problem. I shall certainly be reading your other articles as I search for other people's experiences and how they came to learn how to cope and move on with their lives.  I am finding the latter rather difficult, it all looks a bit bleak unless I want to work in McDonald's, which I certainly do not!!  Thank God I found your website and THANK YOU for having the wisdom to set it up.

Anonymous (Oct 21, 2003):  Thanks, John, for a beautiful and eloquent expression of your bipolar journey.  I have been reading your newsletter for awhile now, but never made it to your website until tonight.  It felt like coming home to an old friend. 

Anonymous (Oct 22, 2003):  Very moving especially i am bi-polar rapid cycle 2 bi-polar very hard to treat they change my meds all the time. I know where Mr McMan is coming from.

Dave (March 13, 2004):  I am an emergency physician with 1 bipolar child and one child on treatment for depression, and I am just coming to grips with the fact that I am probably Bipolar II.  I was recently touched by a patient's statement (with longstanding bipolar disease complicated by dementia from meningitis).  In the midst of his expressing many delusional, manic, loosely associated thoughts for 5-10 minutes which I could not follow nor understand, he said very clearly (to me it was like he had been speaking in a foreign language, and suddenly stated the following in English), "I guess I've always been a tangential thinker.  It just seems to me that there was always something more important to talk about than what I was talking about at the time."

I shared this quote with several of my fellow ER docs and a few nurses, who didn't really "get it." I began to realize that you had to "have been there"
To understand it.  It made me take a few steps back, and withdraw a little bit from denial.

Michelle 7/21/05:  To be honest, it depresses me to read this, mainly because I identify so strongly with it all. I signed up for your subscription at the DBSA convention in Orlando, so I have been reading these newsletters for awhile--I always greatly appreciate all the info, yet my "coping skill" is to be an information junkie. I can learn about dopamine receptors and norepinephrine and serotonin--I can learn about excitatory or inhibitory neurotransmitters because it offers a sense of control and disassociation from the emotional dealings (from the limbic system and the hypothalmus! ;-) ). I know, tho, that I need to touch that part of my psyche to keep me in touch with the reality I am forced to live with. Thanks for what you do for us all :-)

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