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When I First Knew I Was Different

Alone, Against the World

Aloysious and Me

Crash and Burn

To Madness and Back

A Thanksgiving Tribute

Healing

Post 9/11 Thanksgiving

 More Healing Posts

Kimberley (March 16):  John - You are my words. Your eloquence and poetry of this disease is astounding.  Yes, you are a writer but it amazes me how you describe both mania and depression so... --well you're the master of verbs and adjectives.  As I read your article I could not believe your descriptiveness. I am Bipolar II/Anxiety disorder
I wish people could understand this roller coaster of a disease better. My life has changed so dramatically. I am not your greatest success story! My life used to be very full. I have lost my --well everything. But, with each sunrise and sunset I do  my best for that day.  I enjoyed reading Hari's comments. It would be wonderful if someone could reach the people through the medium of film. Yes, I do believe there are different stigmas, attached to each gender. I could write my own book or film myself...I'm sure we who deal with this wretched disease all could.

Thank-you for letting me voice my thoughts.
kimberley.fox@sympatico.com

McMan (March 16):  Many thanks for the kind words, Kimberley.

Penny (April 5, 2001):  Thank you for letting your gift free to those of us caught in the sticky web of free falls and death knolls, DSM IV, psychobabble, medications and frantic days at the PC. To hear a strong true voice that bespeaks of our life sentence - BPD - some damned and damning label. The humor is wonderful. I love the one about what goes on under the covers while we sleep.....Thank you so much

McMan (April 5):  Many thanks, Penny.

Regina (April 8, 2001):  I am new to this but  I thought it was something that touched my heart.  I wish you well my friend.

McMan (April 8):  Many thanks, Regina.

Angel (May 10, 2001):  I can only trust that the process of healing really exists.  With each of your articles that I read I feel as though you have been this fly on my wall and have watched my "ride".  You are brilliant!  You describe my every desire. 

McMan (May 10):  Many thanks, Angel.

Victoria (Sept 27, 2001):  I have just finished reading all of your writings about your manic-depression starting from when you were just a little boy. I am so" impressed" with your story. It has inspired to talk a little bit about myself  because.

When I first subscribed to your newsletter, I wrote to you about my four daughters, three of them afflicted with various forms of mental and emotional disorders.  Your response was very helpful and kind.

There is so much in my family I don't know where to begin, depression , manic-depression, self abuse, (cutting) anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and "all" within my family of parents, children, grandchildren, not to mention myself! On my husband's immediate side as well, suicide and alcohol abuse. (there's more , but I'm stopping here!)

I have this huge cauldron of emotions, some of them painful and some of them seething with rage. I've lived with them for a long time and I have learned to "keep the lid on"

I'm on Prozac for chronic depression, yet I feel there "Is more to it" I don't cry often and inappropriately any more, but I feel something is missing, my feelings seem unreal, even "shallow" at times, when that's not the way I feel at all!

I did see a psychiatrist for the first time in my life and we laughed and joked and got along like "old friends."  She dismissed me by saying, "You needed a psychiatrist thirty years ago, you don't need one now!"
I was relieved and since we didn't delve into anything ,all the family secrets were still safe!

My so called "normal self" before Prozac, was filled with high emotion and sometimes as an artist I would spend hours at the easel, I mean eight or nine hours, not stopping to take a break of any kind!  If I had a good thing happen on the canvas the feeling was "euphoric" ...on a grand scale! It seemed that if I had several days of this ...then as sure as the sun would rise and set, I'd have several really "low" days, I called them my "gray" days because I would lose interest in everything, lose energy and become inert. The color that splashed around my house in my decor, and made me feel spirited, was lost to me. It was like going to the circus for three days on end and then coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes! ( of coarse in reality ...that "is" life! lol!) I miss the "highs"  I sure don't miss the lows, but I've settled for something that is not a full life!

Thank you for listening to me , everyone says , "I'm just fine"  The thought of coming off as "preoccupied with myself "is abhorrent to me.

By the way, I'm not a "selling artist" it is my  passion.  I've never been able to hold a job longer than a year.  In that respect I have always felt "outside and different"

I have been told that I have a very great talent, and  told this all of my life; but I was raised in such a way as to "acknowledge" that, was of the grossest kind of immodestly! Therefore it has always raised feelings of the sort as of " the double edged sword"

Again, thank you for taking the time to read this !
Your newsletter has been a tremendous blessing for me and for other members of my family!  I'm grateful that you are in this world and blessed that you have touched my life!

McMan (Sept 27):  Many thanks, Victoria, and special thanks for your support.  This website and Newsletter is my healing, so thank you for helping me.

Linda (Oct 1, 2002): Just found your site, started reading & could not stop reading (like a good book I can't put down). Of course,  I can personally relate,  since I'm bipolar, I'm interested in your story & all the responses from others. Makes me feel like someone knows what its like. My sister doesn't (I'm going to send her your site), my father didn't, my p.dr doesn't, my husband & daughters don't & my mom who has been bipolar her whole life claims there's nothing wrong with her(& will never believe she has it)  I realize that being bipolar doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" w/ me, but to those who don't have it or will never know what it's like, to those people I will be judged as 'not normal in a negative way', or that's how I perceive it.
I always was proud of being different, creative,
a non-conformist. I even had a favorite book "How to be a Non-Conformist" I took it w/ me to my 1st psychiatrist to explain to him that there was nothing wrong w/me.
I'm not proud of being diagnosed as mentally ill or bipolar, but when I read about the famous, creative, bright, talented & accomplished  people who have or had this illness, I feel less embarrassed & in good company & "not normal in a positive way". Of course, many of them & us have "burned-the-midnight-oil" to accomplish these things. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable enough to list my illness on any job application, because I don't think I'll ever live to see the day that this condition will be veiwed as acceptable by any employer.
Sometimes I wonder if my daughters will inherit this. I was told by my Dr. that children & teens are too difficult to diagnose, because many are emotionally unstable anyways. Then I read a response from one of your readers, that someone already knows that their child has it. Does a person have to have a full-blown episode, before they can be diagnosed?
Also, someone spoke of being bipolar & no longer having to take meds. I take lithium & was told I'd have to take them the rest of my life, even though I've gone 10 yrs, between episodes.
Lithium has (I think) contributed to my weight gain and put a damper on my creativity & wonderful 'high' emotions. On medication I'm an emotional void compared to what I used to be. But according to the Dr. I need to stay on lithium to avoid an episode & the psych ward.
Thanks for giving us a place to "let-it-all-out".

Brandi (Oct 5, 2002): John, I am so happy that writing and this website is your healing.  It is helping me tremendously and you are awesome with words!  I enjoy expressing my feelings now after so many years of keeping them bottled up.  Playing the piano, playing with my children, talking with my husband and many other loved ones, reading, writing, and praying are all very healing to me.  It is also most healing when I can share my love with others by encouraging them with uplifting words or a smile.  I applaud everyone's efforts at healing.  Please, to whoever reads this, do not give up on life.  Those dark clouds will lift and a sunshine of healing will be available for you too.  I recently had a sister-in-law give up on life and I just want people to know how devastating her decision has been to me and many others.  I have made two serious attempts and I now know that I am so blessed to be here.  God never abandons us.  We withdraw ourselves from Him.  All life is important, we all matter and we can all help each other.  Please do not give up.  Thanks John for letting me voice my thoughts.  You are very special and very talented.  Thank you for sharing yourself with us.

McMan (Oct 5): Many thanks, Brandi.

Squiggles (Jan 31, 2003):  I'm very happy i found your site.  You write
so well.  It is a pleasure to read about your "trip" through depression.  Many aspects of your life are similar to mine - your academic interests for example and  your adolescent and childhood experiences.

I find it interesting that many cases of depression come to a climax in many people's lives.  I've witnessed this in one of my close friends, and i, myself was taken by surprise by what i can only describe as "ego disintegration" after a week of agitated depression. I just don't know what happened.  Because it was  so unexpected and sudden, i suspect it may have been
Valium withdrawal.

I am very skeptical about models in medical psychiatry and i would like to ask you if you too were taking any kind of benzo before you fell into the pit.  I noticed that Dr. Kay Jamieson mentioned in her "An Unquiet Mind"
that she had been taking Valium. And I would like to thank you for your wonderful site, which so beautifully put together.  I am so glad
i found it and wish i had earlier.

McMan (Jan 31):  Many thanks for the kind words, Squiggles. No, I wasn't taking benzos or any other meds. Maybe I don't know how lucky I am.

Janie (July 25, 2003):  Your articles are so vivid and descriptive. I've not seen or heard feelings expressed that came near to really describing this Bipolar/manic depression (my own). You talk about real experiences any one of us has dealt with. Feeling more comfortable with your site each one I read. The similarities amaze me. Ecclesiastes 3. That chapter is so comforting to me... Please keep enlightening us, articulating for those that are unable to communicate so wisely or so well. Keep writing, please.

Dave (Dec 16, 2003):  John, thanks for the writings.  Having been diagnosed in June of 2003...I am new to so many things but specifically how insidious this dis-ease is and how powerless I am in controlling it, therefore i will be content in simply managing it to the best of my abilities.   Please give caution to the belief that God has/had abandoned you.....on the contrary....I believe God has blessed you with limitless possibilities and talents and has "carried" you when you could not carry yourself. 

I pray for your peace & health as well as your readers.

Robin (Jan 22, 2004):  I would like to thank you for your reaching out to help others who are going through this.Iguess Ive felt that something has been wrong/different about me since an early age.I am now a 38 year old married homemaker with a husband and 4 children 7,9,16, and 19.My brother was diagnosed bipolar with manic episodes in which he lost touch with reality (beleiving he had bought a bugged watch, that it was the end of the world etc.)I wondered then 4 years ago if that was what was wrong with me.Itried to put it out of my mind. I have suffered with deep depression, angry angry outbursts. These last few weeks I have gone through extreme hypomania staying up all night ,feeling I can do anything if i want to, extreme creativenss, talktiveness, mind racing, feeling so high and manic. New Years Eve (with a little help from alcohol) i physically beat and punched my husband, ran down the street in socks, smashed a few dishes etc. This seemed to be some sort of turning point for me to question everything including my marriage. Last week I told my husband we should get a divorce, Ive considered starting an affair. buying a dog, getting a job endless. i think my illness is even made worse by my husband (totally extroverted, happy-go-lucky, has his own band talented musician who has always told me to snap out of it. i now know i cant snap out of bipolar. I haven't been to a doctor yet but i know deep down what's wrong. I think im a classic case. if you do reply don't mention divorce or affair because my husband reads e-mail. I feel a little better giving this a name. do you think bipolar isn't suspected in depression, This latest manic seems to be the strongest i have ever felt even tonight i feel a little manic. thank you again

GadgetGirl (Jan 13, 2004):  I just came upon your site.  I immediately read   "When I First Knew I Was Different" and each article that followed straight through to "Healing".  I cried unstop through each and very article.  I have spent my life trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  It hasn't been until recently that I learn that I too have "Fred" in my life.  It is hard for others to comprehend so you can understand the blessing it was to find your site.  I suppose I too could write a book about my journey and I could go on and on about my own nightmarish experiences but let me end with a very sincere thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your life experiences with "Fred".

Pyroclast (July 2, 2004):  Hi John. The kindred between schizophrenia and bipolar is too close to miss. Your
style of telling the story warms the heart. You really are an Austrailian
for sure. Did you ever get into taking meds?

A paranoid schizophrenic (atleast that's what the label says).

McMan (July 2):  G'dday, Pyroclast. Yep, I'm on meds. We're starting to pin down a number of genes common to both bipolar and schizophrenia. One day science may be telling us we merely have different versions of the same illness.

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