Ruby (June 8, 2004):  I don't think it's a gift because this illness has brought me so much pain and I envy people who are normal and have jobs and energy and above all motivation to get up every morning feeling good and accomplish all the things they set out to do that day, I  can't do none of these  things and it's really sad when I think about it I'm 21 and I've had this illness for 12 years now and it's really hard I thank god because I've been able to survive all these years but to be honest the only good aspect about  being bipolar is that we see the world in a different way than everybody else we really appreciate everything and feel things deeply, when I discuss my point of view of life and things in general with strangers I find that their always amazed at the things I say but in a good way I think others can learn from us.

Anonymous (June 11, 2004):  I am 40 years old and have been diagnosed as bi-polar (and on and off medication) since I was 15 years old.  As a result of my non-compliance with medication, my 3rd (and last) husband may be facing 37 years to life in prison because when I don't take my medication and get manic (or depressed) I take it out on the one closest to me.  Both of my 2 previous marriages ended because of the same thing and now that I'm back on my medication and am stabilized, I am now seeing how out of control I get without it.  A gift? You must be crazy !!  I am about to lose the one man I love and who truly loves me because I have a mental illness that without medication and complete compliance, I not only harm myself, but also the world around me.  Right now, even on medication, I am so depressed that the thought of going on is very difficult at some moments.  We don't have the money for an attorney (I am on Disability from my manic depression) and his Public Defender is a joke.  I keep getting the feeling that if I weren't around any longer, they wouldn't have a case.  What kind of gift is that????

Connie (June 11, 2004):  I think bipolar is a curse.  I have spent my life in pure torture and I feel that I have been robbed.  I have missed so much beauty in the world because I can't overcome the absolute nightmare of being a complete pessimist, overcome by the notion that I will never feel better.   I have tried so hard to overcome the pessimism associated with this illness, and I have tremendous guilt about being such a negative person.  I know what I should feel, I just can't feel anything except pain.  I am never going to give up on someday finding the right combination of medications to help me deal with this illness, but until then I maintain that bipolar is indeed my curse. 

Ahmed (June 11, 2004):  I think the person who suggested the question have either experienced the power of being bipolar or witnessed that first hand. It is a fact that heads of states in our times were diagnosed as bipolar. I really do not prefer that any loved one (or not so loved one) go through the horrific experience I went through (which was due to a financial loss) but this is what I am really sure of: people who emerge from this Godly test are much more powerful and much wiser. Why? because they (unlike "normal" people) experienced the depth of the human mind and how powerful they can stretch there minds. Ask anyone who recovered and is on a "maintenance" dose and you will discover how you can appreciate this true gift from God.

Kevin (June 11, 2004):  It's a very frightening curse that haunts the individual in a terrible personal lonely way. The complete opposite to a "gift"

Kristina (June 12, 2004):  Right now, I'm at a point where I don't think I can honestly answer this question.  I am a 21 year old who, as of a week ago, was just diagnosed with BP, although I have known for half of my life that that there was something wrong with me. I was in therapy at the age of ten, of course, forced to by my mom, who, along with my dad, still thinks all of this is in my head.  I'm still in the process of  learning about this 'illness', and I obviously still have a lot of questions. 

I do remember periods in my life (in high school mostly) when I was super happy and creative.  My mind was full of ideas that I always thought would get done.  I have a notebook filled with these.  And then there were the periods of extreme lows.  I would sit at my desk, not paying attention in class, with my mind full of ways to kill myself.  I admit it, I did try a few times, but as you can see, I'm still here.

Now that I realize that I haven't answered the question yet, I'm starting to wonder why I've even bothered to post at all.  I have read the other posts, and I agree with a lot of you.  My opinion changes with each day.  Today, no, I do not consider this a gift, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Diana (June 17, 2004):  Over the years, I wondered why I was so deeply depressed. But I was raised that because I had responsibilities, I had to keep going...so I did. I married an alcoholic and had a child. The situation was so bad, I divorced him and moved away.Though, I did not care about myself, I did care what happened to her. He was very cruel to me and I was pretty beaten down by the time I moved away.  That was the second time I remember becoming suicidal. I knew that if I was not around, there would be no one to care for my daughter and I was not willing to take chances with her life. So.....I just sucked it up and worked 2 jobs and did the best I could. I did not know there was anything wrong with me.

 I had been molested by my brother when I was young and a day never went by that I did not remember that incident or feel guilt and shame. I did not know this was an abnormal development. I had hidden it from everyone and never told a soul. I was later raped in college. I never thought the men were at fault, but reasoned that because I never should have let them in my room, "I asked for it". I seemed to look for men who would abuse me. I never really put that pattern together in my head until I saw a therapist a couple of years ago.

After my divorce, I went back to nursing school, worked 32 hours a week, cleaned a house or painted a house or cleaned windows when a large bill such as car insurance or car repairs needed to be paid. My daughter was 6 and I cared for her put her to bed around 9 pm and studied until 1 am each night. I never slept and everyone asked, "how do you do it?" Even I could not answer that question. I had a goal, I was not allowed to give in and so I did not. I almost never slept.  My sense of responsibility kept me going.

I graduated, worked two jobs still, (at much higher pay) and put back enough money to buy a condo here in California. Everyone asked, "how do you do it?" I had no idea. I was tired a lot. I had no personal life, had not dated in many years and had no friends other than church and family. I was diagnosed with Diabetes and started to lose weight. I was 306 lbs. I lost 80 lbs and suddenly, I started getting all kinds of interest from men. I did not know how to act.

Around that time, my daughter was growing up. She spent more and more time with her friends and was ready to graduate high school in another year. I was more depressed than ever at the thought of being alone and I did not like my life. Now, I was no longer so busy that I could deny the depression. I became lower and lower and I started screaming at my daughter for no reason. I had acted that way over the years on occasion but it never lasted and I usually had some control. I now had no control and it was like a runaway train. I spent hour after hour contemplating how I would end my life. I knew I needed help.

I consulted my physician who sent me to a psychiatrist and he started me on antidepressants. They made me worse and he gave me more and more until the day after Christmas, I ended up in the local psych facility. A different doctor treated me and he said. "Congratulations! You have bipolar depression." I said " UHHH,  Gee thanks"
He told me that most folks with bipolar are very bright, as he knew I was and that bipolar depression was easier to treat than unipolar depression. I did not believe him at first and was far from happy about the diagnosis. He also diagnosed me with PTSD.

Now it took about another 8 months to find the right combination of medication to get me feeling "good". I feel like my old self again and when we reached that right combination, it was almost like the image in a science fiction movie when you see the character punching through a screen or film into another world. I felt like I was alive again.

I am grateful for my creativity and my ability to persevere. I am so grateful for my ability to help my patients. As a home care nurse, certified diabetes educator, I often deal with people unable to cope with their diabetes because of their depression. I meet many who have bipolar disorder and they like the fact that I can relate to what they are going through and I have a vast knowledge of all the medications. It has not been easy, but it has made me a better, more compassionate person. If I could choose, I would choose NOT to have bipolar disorder. But I truly believe that while God may not make these things happen to us, he gives us grace to make good come out of the trials on our lives.

CJW (June 20, 2004):  While in the the army during late 60's I experimented with the eastern mystic religions and made unbelievable progress and achieved profound changes in consciousness. I knew this was always available, but I didn't see any need to spend any particular attention to it. Later my brother John had a round of bi-polar which ended in his suicide.  In the early 90's I started to get my affairs in order and good begat good which turned into WOW!! Recognizing I my have the same condition, I sought help, but would not accept medication for a positive gift, but I did plan for a possible fall and padded a safe landing spot... just in case.  Later the high turned to depression I quickly got medication and soon returned to normal.  During the depression, while extremely suicidal, I remember looking for anything in my life that was wrong. There was nothing. My wife loved me, I couldn't shake her away. She stood beside me 100%. My employees kept the shop running, no mess-ups, no problems, My friends had nothing but concern and support.) The next decade was productive, but normal,  I recently had another bout with the same good high.  What I especially want to relate to you is my experience with the transition between the high and the low.  I remembered the first time, when it came the second time, I first got mad and said to myself "I'm not going there again". at that instant, I saw my self pity and childish behavior, etc. which was leading to the depression as well as the love and sharing that had caused the high.  I'm back to normal again, but will welcome round 3 when it comes.

Kevin (June 21, 2004):  I take my life, as it is, as a gift and I wouldn't trade it for anything. However, this has not been my experience until the past year. I just turned fifty years old and I feel for the first time I have finally got a handle on my illness following two recent near death suicide experiences. I am very grateful to have survived this past year with the support of my family, friends and doctors.  I am also acutely aware that just around the next bend could be the next nightmare. However, in spite of having lived a difficult at best  manic depressive life since I was 14 years old, I somehow consider myself fortunate.  I also am aware that I now have a level of insight and support that many suffering with manic depression do not nor ever will have.  I feel extremely grateful for these gifts.

My life has truly been the heaven and hell of Blake. I have been blessed with a close family, a sharp and creative mind, a wonderful athletic body, great educational opportunities and a potentially fatal neurological illness, figure that? The bad luck of the draw?  The random shake of the dice?  I have lost nearly everything in my life, however, I am still here and I am doing well.

Manic depression a gift?  This really seems like a rhetorical question, a reflective straw man. So here goes, my reflections. The Buddha regarded life as suffering.  He was certainly onto something! Suffering, if survived, can be a life transforming experience leading to deep compassion for other beings.  The heaven and hell so many of us experience can also be so heavily weighted on the hell end of the spectrum that it makes the question absurd at best.  The question falls into the same territory of questions such as "how can there possibly be a caring God that would let the level of suffering that occurs on this planet to exist?"  The biblical questions of Job. I certainly don't have any answers.

It now seems to me that the question of having a life -whether its living with manic depression, MS, Lou Gherig's disease, severe mental retardation, whatever experience one has of life- comes down to whether one has a relationship to something, someone greater than oneself -the Tao, Christ, Buddha, Creator, Great Spirit, Mother, whom or whatever.  I simply pray for all suffering beings to be given the experience of being part of some greater wholeness, the reality of being held in caring loving arms. Its way beyond the explanations and questions. The whole notion of regarding my manic depression as a gift that I would trade or not to be "normal" seems to me to really be missing the point. I intimately know the extraordinary costs of this illness - my sister and cousins suicides, my brother's chronic addiction, my years of life lost to depression, confusion, manic nightmares.  I can only speak  to my life right here right now and indeed it is a gift. Manic depression is an integral part of my fabric of being, of who I am. A year and half ago if I had been asked this question I would have said "can you be serious, I would trade everything to be free of this curse."  However, everything can change. Burning self transformations do happen.

I simply pray for all those still suffering that they may experience relief from their struggles.

Micki (July 2, 2004):  I change my mind constantly on whether BP has been a gift or a curse...would I still be as creative or funny if I wasn't BP? But then again would I have healthy self-esteem, not have past alcohol and drug problems, severe depression, a lifetime's worth of embarrassing moments? It is so difficult. I have a lifetime of pain...I am 38, I was diagnosed at 32. I have not always been medication compliant. For the last 3 years, since my last suicide attempt, and subsequent hospitalization, I have been compliant; and relatively stable. I am not always miserable, yet I am not happy. I wish for feelings that everyone else has. I miss those little highs I used to have, when I used to get a little drunk, then drunker and enjoy my giddiness. Alas, no more. I take my medication like a good girl and drift along on this sea of mediocrity. My past also includes good education, intelligence, but nothing to really show for it. I have no property, home, savings....I am in debt, rent from a friend and own a 4 year old car. I have no savings. I can attribute much of this to my BP, alcoholism and instability....I am working my way back, but it is difficult when my mood is one of "just existing"...forget relationships...my past sexual escapades have left me with scars as well. I work with my med doc on trying to lift my mood, yet keep me stable...I am keeping my fingers crossed...another 40 years of this and I will kill myself.

Eeerooo (July 4, 2004):  If some people consider bipolar disorder a gift maybe its because they have the right kind.  I suffer from bipolar I with mixed episodes.  I become very evil and hateful...I have no friends, no job, no nothing.  Suicide??? Why, I'm already dead.

Ibolya (July 11, 2004):  Gift? I don't know.  However I was given the gift to write and in late August of 2004 I should have my book in bookstores. Poetry about my crawl from depression as a kid trying to kill myself at the age of 9 to manic depression at the age of 53.  The first of several books (I hope) that will keep mental illness in the forefront. I can't run from it, I can't hide it, so I try to let others see how one can learn to cope and to live the life given.

There are millions of us. Actors, artists, painters, writers all suffering from some slice of depression. It's how you handle it. I hide, I have days where I can't think about going on. I write. I show what I feel. If we don't spread the information, the truth about what it is and how we cope we will never have officials take notice on how extensive mental health is.

It should not surprise me anymore, but at times it still hits me in the side of the head, that "they" expect us to froth at the mouth or rob babies. I  do more harm to myself than anyone else. I live with what I have and lean on real friends when I need it. If they don't understand, well I move on. They are not worth your time. I hate to be that cruel. True friends accept for what you are. It would be like not being friends with a diabetic. We lack brain chemicals. Diabetics lack insulin, but the stigma could not be further apart.

I was once asked if I could give this illness to someone who would it be? My reply surprised me. I told the individual I can't think of anyone I hate enough to give it to.

I believe now on some level that the maker of the universe takes from one area and supplies in another.

Tim (July 14, 2004):  I am 23, a father of a two year old boy and i have atypical bipolar (in between bipolar 2 and 3 so I tell people I am bipolar 2.5..lol) to say it's a gift would be like getting my testicles smashed in a car door and saying "oh that feels great may i have another?" the moment my little son looked at me with the fear that i may do something bad in his eyes i realized I need more help than I was willing to admit. I have a wonderful fiancée' that I fear will grow tired of my off-kilter moods and decide she's has had enough. I look in the mirror and wonder why I can't be "normal" get and keep a job, without getting fired or quit because when I see red it's over. i wonder what it feels like to not have these mood swings, spending sprees, and/or when i may just say the hell with it and end it all.

I sit at night pondering, plotting the perfect way to just give up yet I am too concerned about how my son will feel knowing his father couldn't deal with life and just took the easy way out. i think about my sick mother, who I feel is also bipolar, she was just diagnosed with chiari malformation of the skull, and i know killing myself would only kill her too. a gift?? I am diabetic, type two, on four different drugs for that, then the pills for my stomach to keep things down, then my antidepresants/antipychotics I take once in the morning twice at nights just so I can get a grip on my mental state. my moods change from one hour to the other. I yell then cry then scream at my fiancée' and my child for no reason just because they looked at me "the wrong way." a gift, no its not a gift a gift is something you embrace with open arms this is the nightmare i never sleep to. sleepless nights and countless days running into one another slamming into my head at once. I feel like i am letting everyone down because i can't do the "normal" thing like everybody else. I just wish they would have found out in my teens so I could adjust better than I am. I love myself yet loath myself at the same damn time. I hate my fiancée' and love her at the same,

So I say, a gift? No, cause I don't want this.

Lisa (July 17, 2004):  Bipolar a gift?  I just can't see it, not by any stretch of the imagination.  The only gift I have received is being diagnosed finally.  And reclaiming my life.  And not loosing my family.  And a great doctor.

But bipolar itself being a gift I wouldn't trade?  No, anyone can have it if they want it, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

DogTiredCat (July 19, 2004): So many different stories, and the answer seem to err on the side of curse rather than gift. This is definitely likely to be the verdict if one pathologises the condition and/or regards the current western world's definition of normal as the right, the only, one.

As someone who "had it all" in those western terms, happy family, 2 lovely children, satisfying and fulfilling job as CEO of a major international company, living in one of the world's greatest cities until the age of 41, when one glorious bout of mania lasting 3 months saw me locked up for another 3, and started a cycle which finds me 6 years later having lost some of those things, I simply do not know how to answer the question. In the end, this is me and I choose to love myself and my life for better or worse. I am still married, and my husband has one leg. I'd prefer to be bi-polar than be in his situation, even though he makes very light of it, and he would rather have one leg, than be bi-polar, so make of that what you will.

Susan (July 20, 2004):  Personally I have found that being bipolar has been at times both a gift and a curse, but I'm trying my best to use it as a gift. My creativity in music and poetry has been fuelled in positive directions by my life. I have been able to draw on the positives and the negatives of my bipolar happenings to create the best I have in me. Yes, the destructive side took away my professional life, almost my marriage, and I have had to make the decision not to have children because of my illness. There are things I can look at that have changed my life in a way others don't understand. I'm trying to use them as a gift and it is working for me. Bipolar is giving me a way to hopefully help others understand my life. I want it to be a gift.

Shawn (July 21, 2004): I myself consider being bi-polar a gift. The truth is how to your define the term normal in society. To me I am completely normal while everyone else is different. I have had my disorder since childhood, and some say its genes and others say its not. I am a writer and this disease as some call it has helped me in many ways. I received a scholarship for creative writing and I quit ----the bi polar part, Yet I am now only 26 and writing my first novel which will be finished by next year. You see its only a disease if you let it be. I have probably one of the worst case outlooks. I don't see things but I have real violent mood swings and that's hard being a father and husband. I have learnt to control the cycles myself though. Life is one big illusion and a thousand meds are not going to solve your disorder it's something you and God have to do together.

Geena (July 22, 2004): Is Bipolar a gift that I wouldn't trade? I have to really think about this for a minute. It was a blessing, then it was a curse. Yet, I wouldn't trade it.

Having different perceptions of life has been the best part of this disorder. As a professor told me who wanted me to pursue a doctorate in strategic management, I think in a different way. Thinking this way has provided a good job, but I still have pursued excessive behavior as a result of the highs. People have always viewed me as an outsider. It's a lonely life for me.

The medications made me realize that life is a routine. We get up, take a shower, drink our coffee, and join the "rat race." I yearn for those weekend days with no schedules and no expectations. I only feel free now on the weekends. I love to write and find bipolar forums as places to express myself honestly.

I just miss the inspiration of strange perceptions. They creep into my brain once in a while and help me solve problems and create neat things. I enjoy this site because I know that I am not alone.

The best reason for not wanting to trade my disorder for normalcy is that two people who were likely bipolar cared enough to bring me into this world and let me experience it. It's a wild ride, but it's mine.

Jake (July 22, 2004):  I look at my disorder as a blessing and a curse.
I have had some fun during manic highs. Sadly the highness just escalates. If I could maintain a level of highness I was comfortable with, that would be fine. I cannot do that though so I medicate and learn to live with the flatness I feel. I too would not wish my illness on anyone.

Katie (July 22, 2004):  It is very interesting that I come across this at the time I have started soul-searching my feelings about my illness. I have actually had it for 2 years and have just started to become angry at it. It has just started to act out in ways that has left me ashamed. It has left me scared that I will not be in control when I need to be as I work with the public. Is it a gift as of yet? No not at all. For the most part I must have been properly medicated as I have not gotten in any trouble and I thought I was okay at least until last may. Then I felt crazy inside most of the time and then less interested in life and less patient and low. But not low enough to think I was depressed. This lasted until July. I found out I am in a depressive phase. Needless to say my self esteem has fallen and I am real angry with this illness. Searching the internet has helped me so much. I have hope you people with bipolar illness are the gifts to me. so not in itself is the illness a gift but with you caring people who are sharing your thoughts are. Maybe there will be more gifts along my journey. Peace, love, joy

Wife of Bipolar Man (July 23, 2004):  I do NOT believe that "Bipolar Illness" is a GIFT. I grew up the daughter of a wonderful bipolar man. I loved him dearly. I saw him go from being the "child-like" fun and games Daddy in the early years to the embarrassing "life of the party" in my teens. My childhood was a complete roller coaster ride! He caused excitement at times and sheer disappointment and gut-wrenching hurt at other times. He was hospitalized during almost every "important" event of my childhood. I watched my Mother care for him and us, often by totaling ignoring her own needs and feelings. I prayed every night that my children would not suffer the same plight. BUT...as cruel fate would have it, I have been married to a man for 15 years who has just recently been diagnosed with BPD. Our roller coaster ride of mood swings, suicide attempts, sleepless nights, failed businesses, medication, and lost friendships began about 5 years ago. I would have never thought this would happen to me. I have become his caretaker much like my Mother did for my Dad. I don't really know or remember what "normal" is for my husband. I can't remember what he acted like before this cycle began. I want him to leave, but for now his only redemption is that he is a loving and devoted father. My children adore him. I know that if they were taken away, he would have nothing to live for. It would be too much for him to bear. I couldn't live with what would possibly happen. I've already lived through it once. You see, my Mom divorced my Dad when I was 21. He was dead within 6 months. He was 49. My husband is 46. BPD is no gift. I want desperately for someone to take it back!

Angela (July 24, 2004):  I have been sick for a long, long time. I have had many doctors and none of them had a clue what was wrong with me. I have been on the "wrong" drugs so many times that I have lost count. Finally, I have come across a psychiatrist and therapist that recognized my manic/depressive cycles and are treating me for Bipolar Disorder. I have only been on the mood stabilizer for a few weeks, but I am already feeling more in control. I will admit I am tired a lot of the time, but my mind is not as jumbled as it once was. I feel more in control. As for this being a gift, I would have to say no. I have had more than my share of pain and anguish over the years. I have ruined great relationships, had terrible relationships, tried to commit suicide, and alienated my family to the point of insanity. I have always wanted to be "normal", but I really do not know what that means or how it feels. I consider my disorder a curse, but I am researching, joining support groups, taking my meds, seeing a great therapist, and seeing my doctors as needed. I want to beat this, but I have already been told I can never get off my meds. I consider that a life sentence.

Kat (July 24, 2004):  I am bipolar type II and I would never consider it a gift. The only gift I received was that after 7 years of therapy I finally went to a clinical psychologist that after only one visit knew right away that I was bipolar. I was relieved that someone finally knew what was wrong and how to fix it. And also devastated to have the stigma of "bipolar" attached to me.

But Lamictal has been a godsend. I have a wonderful supportive husband who is always there for me during my moody episodes and who still wants to have a child with me even though it may end up with my disease.

I don't see how anyone could consider it a gift. Maybe it does make you more introspective, but that is only because it is so hard to look outside oneself when it takes so much effort to just exist.

Reading these posts has made me cry, just seeing everyone else that have gone through what I have. Maybe if I had gone through the "highs" that some of you describe, then I would consider it more of a gift.

BT Express (July 27, 2004): A gift from who, the devil himself, i would say. how in the world can being bipolar be any kind of gift? you mood and thought process is in total disarray and that's a gift? i get it, someone must be high out there to ever thing or feel that being bipolar is a gift, if so, then they can have my gift to them!!!!!!!!!

Chokecherry (July 28, 2004): I would never consider Bipolar II as a gift, but I have learned a lot about life, and about my patients, as a result of it. Last year, when all I could do was lay flat in bed, go to the bathroom, and occasionally get something to eat, I learned that possessions could be a burden, money was not as important as I thought, and good friends are a god-send, as well as being as rare as hens' teeth. I am a practicing psychiatrist. I sure know now what Bipolar Disorder is like, and that rapid cycling or mixed state bipolar is one of the most horrific and frightening things one can experience. I REALLY know how my patients feel. Years ago, when I was hospitalized for depression during the first year of psychiatric residency, my wonderful psychiatrist told me that one day I would see my depression and hospitalization as a tremendous assest in my work. He was right.

This damn illness is also an asset. Against traditional psychiatric wisdom, I sometimes share my experiences with patients. They all seem to find it helpful.

John, your newsletter is a real help.

Matt (July 30, 2004): The bipolar gift...well, considering that I am writing this article at 4am in the morning, and I am up for absolutely no reason at all other then to attend to the swarm of thoughts that race through my mind on a regular basis, I can readily see the negative reaction to bipolar illness. My finances are buggered; I lose friends regularly, etc...But then there’s the other side. Although physically and mentally exhausted, I have to admit, the race of thoughts when applied to an artistic lifestyle (designers, programmers, graphic artists, etc) is truly an amazing thing. Granted it’s hard to see oneself in life, but seeing the reactions of others is a lot easier and perhaps the only beam of light in my heavily bipolar world.

As a child I was deemed a genius. As an adult, I have been labeled bipolar, and I have no doubt that the latter is true. I still test well over genius at any time. But the more time I spend on bipolar sites, the more I realize just how many exceptionally intelligent people are in fact bipolar. And when it comes to this, you can’t help but realize the "GIFT" that has been given to us for all of our suffering. The race of thoughts, when assisted by a palm pilot, journal, etc, can become a powerful tool that will not only amaze and bewilder, but can be harnessed to achieve exceptional results.

I am lucky I have a boss with a bipolar wife. Because of this, he knows how to tap into my talents, and accepts the frequent changes in work habits. I am regarded as the eccentric MacGyver of our Media Productions lab, and through this persona, I have achieved quite a bit of positive notoriety.
Newton once said that every action has an equal and opposite reaction...If this is indeed true, as I believe it to be, then for every great gift, there must also be a great sacrifice, and our sacrifice is great indeed. And at the same time, we do experience an exceptional gift that can never be understood by the normal members of society.

Also keep in mind that the short term memory can only store seven items of information at any one time, and when we neglect those that we care about, it is purely a result of those short term memories being erased by new ones almost every few seconds during a manic episode. If you are someone who cares for a bipolar, then you must always keep this in mind. And rather then turning away, or feeling that you can only give up, turn instead to our gift. No other group on earth is as capable of thinking outside of the box, or giving valuable advice, then the bipolar. It is very likely that we won’t remember the advice that we give, but that does not mean that we were lying, only that we have forgotten. My own experience with my friends and family have shown that my input has been influential to them, and in many cases has helped them solve the problems in their lives, or at least for putting them into perspective. By giving us your love and compassion, we will share our gift, and I think, that for those that give us a chance, the pain is worth it in the long run.

Caroline (Aug 1, 2004): At first, bipolar was a curse. Now, since it is managed through medication and psychotherapy, it is a gift. All of my questions about my behavior are answered and now I need to be accepting of my husband and not try to change him because I have learned to accept my bipolarness. I had to give up drinking, but this is his way of relaxing. So, I finally gave him to God and now I love him more deeply. When he is negative with me; I just say "Hail Mary" and let it pass. I know now that God needed me to find out about my disease so that I could become well and help others.

Greek Angel (Aug 1, 2004): I don't think being delusional is a gift. I've never been able to see reality as reality. I've lived a thousand lives, so it feels. I took off from my home in Athens, Greece at 15 and went with a boat ticket and $20 to the Golan Heights for 2 and a half years. This is just one episode that has taken place. I've run around with the PLO as well as Zionists. I've slept around with politicians as well as mobsters. I'm one person one day, someone else the next, with a true conviction to that identity. Could be a Christian, could be a voodoo practitioner, doesn't matter. Couple this with a high IQ and you have a sociopath (or bipolar, as my doctor says).

The only consistency I've shown in my life is being a public artist/muralist. But, boy, I piss off the art world a lot! Just when my peers think that I will champion the downtrodden and minority interests, I pull out my militia personality and support the armed forces. Just for confusion's sake, I'm also a bisexual former stockbroker. Bipolar is just that "Bi". I switch opinions and sides so often that I make myself dizzy. Can't make a concrete decision. Up or down, right or left, G-d or Satan, life or death. I feel bad for my children. I wonder what it's like for them to watch me spinning out of control then all of a sudden in too much control, plotting and planning every step with a hypervigilance that hasn't been seen since Che Guevera. I've had opportunities to settle down but I CANT.

Life is a never-ending exploration. My children could never be bored with all of this but sometimes I wonder if normalcy would be a better lifestyle than making plans to jet off somewhere all the time or the next BIG project. Unfortunately, this seems to be a hereditary condition. My mother died at 52 from living too much, too fast. A gift? No. Entertaining? Possibly. Destructive? Definitely. Not a lifestyle with a G-rating and not heavy with the family value thing. My relatives have decided I am an eccentric nutcase and they should shield their young

Francis (Aug 3, 2004): Oh man I cant believe I found you guys this is a blessing. I have been being treated for depression for 6 years. now they've decided I am bipolar so they but me on this med called Lamictal this was not good it it brought me out of remission ( I have Lupus) after about 6 mths of feeling real good so now i feel real bad. my list of failures are Paxil Luvox Lamictal something with a D i cant remember im on Prozac + seizure meds and steroids and such. I really do get tired of the psych thing. I just want to say sometimes im just a B----! AND ALL THE MEDS ARE KILLING ME!

Toni (Aug 3, 2004): First of all, you had better define exactly what normal is.... I don't think anyone can....I personally would not wish to be anything but bipolar...Most humans spend the greater part of their lives wandering around this planet without questioning anything or having one original thought....I decline such an existence and shall be thankful of what and who I am, with all the painful side effects that go with it..

Toni (Aug 3, 2004): Yes, it is true , we are all brilliant, to quote my doctor. It does not, however, help us deal with the cruelty from family members. They resent the fact that we are smarter than they are, make fun of us when our words can't keep up with our ideas and we stammer. They also think we are drama queens...My daughter is the greatest offender and if it were not for my two granddaughters, I would not tolerate it. Instead I eat Xanax like peanuts.. Bright or not, it hasn't helped me keep depression from my door, she is moving MY girls away to AZ and i am falling apart. Where does the IQ come in here? We are still victims to our passionate emotions, no matter how bright we are.

Toni (Aug 3, 2004): You are all so young. I just discovered the reason for all my 'different' behavior a year ago (I am now 62). Were it not for my physically and mentally abusive daughter, i would be able to level off more, but her behavior keeps me in a constant state of panic and depression. My doctor feels that she is bi-polar also...she is 42 and the mother of my two granddaughters, who I raised when she was too drunk to.. She is a recovering alcoholic. She needs therapy, but doesn't think there is anything wrong with her... it's all me...She knows she can control me with allowing me to see the girls. Now she is moving to AZ with them and her new husband[ his mother is bi-polar also] and his behavior alludes to his having the same problem too..so there you have it.....No, I would not trade the highs, the creativity that comes with it, the passionate awareness of all things and the intellectual levels that we can attain... There is never a minute when I am not aware of what I am, but the condition has also helped me realize who I am....There is no doubt in my mind that we are separate and apart from the rest of the world...there is nothing we can do about this.. perhaps it is the worlds loss, not ours.

Eugene (Aug 4, 2004): I have been married 13 years to a woman who "developed" BPD 10 years ago when our first child was born. Boy, was I thrown for a loop. I had never experienced such a mental breakdown like that before and nothing made sense. Since then, she has been hospitalized about 8 times for mania, and she even charged me with assault and battery when I spanked our son and he complained to her, plus a restraining order, plus four days in jail for me. She admits that if she did not have BPD, none of this would have happened. Wow, thanks for that admission! We now have three lovely children, two of whom seem to have BP tendencies but nothing full blown yet. It turns our that everything is my fault and what I have learned is that my wife is unable to accept any blame for anything because it is much too stress for her to deal with. She sees 8 different doctors/therapists (psychiatrist, primary, hematologist, 2 therapists, gastroin, chiro, and otolar). She seems to have every problem you can imagine, but again, it's all my fault. You can only imagine that being married to a person with BPD is a living hell for about 50% of the time and only OK the rest of the time. Our sex life is in shambles and she has burnt bridges with practically everybody. The only bright spot is that she is good about her medication but she still gets ill pretty regularly.

Kat (Aug 5, 2004): Without medication, during the early stages of mania, it's definitely a gift. Otherwise; during depression or on medication, it can be a curse. For me, right now, I'm definitely in curse mode

Go-Between (Aug 10, 2004): By merely chance, I have now a bipolar girlfriend. I must say that she is the most mentally health girlfriend that I ever had. And sure healthier than most of the people I met. She is uncomplicated, no complexes, and even though she had a terrible past (with her family, for example), she is not neurotic. She talks about the past like narrating facts and taking the positive side of people that harmed her. No revolt. Such an healthy attitude. She once told her mother: I am bipolar and I see so many normal people mentally sick! Sicker than I am.

She told me her experience with the bipolar disorder. She was lucky to have only one maniac-depressive crisis. Well, it was a big one, like one year in bed on depression. That was 9 years ago. She’s on medication for life. She didn’t say it is a gift or a course. She said that her manic phase has released her, set her free. She had no will to go out, to socialize, she was shy, and so on. Now, she’s joyful, has lots of friends and always searching for events to get out of her four walls.

I heard that sometimes drugs have the same effect.

It is a question of luck. This perturbation has changed lives for better. But I think this is a small percentage.