Dratee123 (Aug 11, 2004): When I'm feeling okay, I don't really think about anything...just enjoy the relief from the highs which have become dreaded after 30 years) or the lows. The depression has continued now ,unabated, for four months. More med changes and so forth. I cry alot but I stay alive because I don't want my grown children to have the legacy of a suicidal Mom. So, I hope for illness fatal), accidents with no pain. I call my doctor, stay home whatever. This is a gift? I would trade insight, sensitivity, creativity etc. for a mundane life with mundane cares. I'm 53.

Tim (Aug 13, 2004): I've read all of the postings and would like to say that I'm grateful for everyone who responded. It's very helpful to know that there are others who've experienced the same things. I think that my life is a gift and that bi-polar disorder is inseparable from who I am. I'm usually neither manic nor depressive. Unfortunately those "acute" manic episodes leave me with messes that take months to clean up. If I'm lucky things will just start to turn around before the next episode starts. Right now I'm 38, unemployed, in legal trouble and just beginning a new round of medication. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

However, I wouldn't want to be anyone else either. Life is full of problems and challenges. These are the one's God has chosen for me. I agree with Job "we accept good things from God, should we not accept evil?"

Abigail (Aug 13, 2004): It wasn't until my daughter was diagnosed with early onset BP (at age 7), did I find out that all my bouts with depression and "hyper-activity" was also BP. As a youngster, I saw one of my cousins go from being an extremely gifted and handsome young man to a "crazy, scary, street person." The idea in my mind of someone with BP was forever forged in my mind. Now, with my "miracle" child (I had 6 miscarriages before she was born) I can only visualize the negatives. She too is a highly gifted, beautiful little child. But I have also seen myself in her -- and those parts are frustrations leading to anger, leading to an explosion. At 50 I only wish I had been diagnosed younger. Fortunately for my child there are meds with fewer side effects. I have been on every antidepression med known to science, but after a couple of months they would "stop working." It has taken years for my diagnoses which involves a mood drug that I can't tell sometimes if it works or not.

Curse? Absolutely! Gift? Absolutely. Unfortunately, the curse has always interfered with my gifts. I've tried to pick up the pieces, but it doesn't always work. From drug addiction, anorexia, to some stability, I do feel fortunate. But, I fear for my child and pray she will not throw her life away to an illness that has no mercy. I pray that her wonderful gifts will be able to grow and take over the dark side. She is living in a family that offers her love, support, patience (not always) and therapy.

One more thing: We also have an internationally adopted child. It is so strange to hear people talk about not knowing the medical history, etc. of an adopted child. My adopted child is amazing - your "typical," child. As if giving birth to a child has any guarantees!

Christine (Aug 23, 2004): Absolutely not, i would not trade my Bipolar II for the normal state of being. I am also an Artist i do stained glass mosiacs, i also paint watercolors and oils, I believe that these are gifts of god as well as the ability to see deeper in life then the average being, i love music and love color. most of all of my ideas for my art come from my mania state and for that to me is wonderful. I believe that a person with this illness as i call it not a disease! Are the gifted as well as the tormented and see things in a much clearing understanding than the norm. The drugs i wish i did not have to take but they are also a part of who i am and i have to except the things i can not change and be the best for what and who i am. In memory of our great artists and poets of the past i salute them for their abilities there love as well as their rage because above all they were remembered as great artists if not anything else...such as insane. God bless us all!
Christine.

Liboy (Aug 23, 2004): I believe one can not label bi-polar as being a gift or a curse but to put it bluntly just as a "psychiatric illness" Life is shit living with the illness make no doubt about it. At times I feel like I'm in chains because my mind is suffering mania or depression it makes no difference. The illness can also be devastating to ones self-esteem if you let it and I have. Sometimes I can't even read.

I also believe the illness has some seriously positive aspects to it. Depending on your personality. I was blessed with having a supportive family. Gift or curse it's all about perspective and mine needs a lot of work.

Anonymous (Aug 26, 2004): This is no gift. Even if I actually finish something before slamming back down, I can't feel the reward of accomplishment. I've dropped out of 3 colleges even though I never made anything below an A. Everything will seem so clear, then I'll just quit. It seems like a waste of time to pursue anything. I play music, and when I'm up, I feel so gifted. Then I'll listen to what I wrote later and destroy it all. Medicine doesn't help because it's so easy to forget why you take it until I hit another wall. By then I've already alienated everyone I know. My wife's about to leave me, but do I really care? What can I do for anyone? That's how I feel now, but a month from now I may feel like God. I've never been down this long before. I hate it, but I hate the medicine even more. Yeah, I get a lot started when I'm manic. But even if I finish it, I'll destroy it just like I always have. Every time I start school or a job I tell myself "This is the last time I'll start over". Every time I lie. The last time I got manic, I decided to quit my job and move across the country. Somehow I convinced my wife it was a good idea. I had a foolproof plan. I was going through the hiring process for a great job, then it all crumbled. I can't begin to explain this low. I became intensely paranoid against my wife, and haven't been able to shake it. I drove back across the country-39 hours straight with no sleep-crying the whole way. Took the lowest paying job I'd every had to and I've spent the last 3 weeks feeling like it will never go away this time. I'm not sure it will. I can't look myself in the eyes. I don't know who I am, I don't know who my wife is, I don't know who my friends are. Last night my wife got angry with me for forgetting to do something. I walked out to the desert and slept for a couple of hours. She said she didn't know why I got so upset, and I couldn't remember. I'm left to assume something in my head got triggered, but I can't help the feeling that I have telling me I had to go away b

Asclepius (Aug 31, 2004): I am bipolar. Over the years I've suffered and enjoyed experiences that only a bipolar can understand. I wasn't properly diagnosed until I was in my 30's - and, as a result suffered many horrors. But, I can honestly say that I would never trade my life for that of a so-called "normal" existence. Even after losing my wife and son, countless jobs, and all the emotional stress of being a type-I rapid cycler, I feel that GOD has enabled me to "see" life as it truly is. I've learned humility, compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, and sympathy. The negative and selfish are like neon signs all around me - as these are the childish natures we are all born with. Yet, too many so-called "normal" people never seem to grow beyond these base and self centered views. They see through the eyes of children. They see me as crazy.

Xan (Aug 31, 2004): I don't think its a gift at all, I think its something that makes you very tough because you have to be to survive. You learn to smile when you want to cry, to get out of bed when the world is heavy, to be patient, to explore yourself, etc... Bipolar disorder is never a gift. Its about how you handle it, and what you do with what you're given in life.

Thebipolardragon (Sept 2, 2004): Actually i feel like like, in my life that it is actually both -- i have bipolar and i am bipolar...I look at it from this angle...everything about you; you physical being, your opinions, your beliefs, even the bipolar, make up who you are. there is no way to shut off your beliefs, you can change them, but you can't shut them off. so, on that same note, there is no way to shut off the bipolar, you can do you damnedest to control it, but you can never turn it off...therefore, you are bipolar, because it is part of what makes up you personality, and your personality makes you, who you are. but just as much as you are bipolar you also have it... it is not something that you choose to have, but when you are diagnosed, you are being told that you have this disorder that is called bipolar, and no matter how hard you try to deny this fact, it is now a part of your life...
making the statement above true in my opinion...you have bipolar and you are bipolar...have fun with it -- it is one helluva rollercoaster ride, enjoy it and make the best of it

Juliet (Sept 2, 2004): My husband is bipolar II, and he would say he considers it a gift. I don't think he would be the same person if he wasn't bipolar.

I am lucky, I knew what I was getting into before we got married. At least that is what I tell myself when things are going well. Every so often, he throws something new and disturbing at me, that I have to calmly (yeah, right) deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with him. I accept him for who he is, and that is half the battle. The other half is dealing with the results of his manias. You know, the reckless spending, infidelities, hyper sex drive, etc.

His medications seem to work for him (Risperidone, Depakote, Lamictal, and now, Tenex) . Though before he went on Lamictal, he was constantly low-level depressed. He has trouble with his father and ex-wife accepting that he is bipolar. His dad still thinks after 5 years that he is on drugs (the illegal kind).

He is just now getting his creative side back, since the meds stifled it for several years. He has put himself through hell worrying about how other people perceive him. I sometimes feel that I have to be the one to hold our family together, when he can't hold himself together. That's hard, because I get depressed too sometimes, and I don't have anyone to pull me out, but myself. He wants to support the family, so I can go to school, but he is having a hard time keeping the commitment to hold down a job. I do all I can to support him in every way that I know how.

I feel his ex-wife helped to cause his initial breakdown. In her defense, no one knew what was really going on with him until he was put in the hospital, and diagnosed. She gave him absolutely no support after he went home, not respecting the regular sleep patterns he was supposed to have, or respecting him at all for that matter. I know all this, because I was there. I was best friends with her first, then him. I'll admit, he did some pretty boneheaded things when they were together. She refuses to forgive him anything, blaming him for her life still being a mess. They have been divorced for 2 years; she even blames him for the loser boyfriend she is with. The reason all this matters, is his 3 children he has with her. She uses the kids against him, so she can make herself look better. He holds his temper with her a lot better than I would. I would say the medication makes him mellower than would be considered normal. Less fights that way.

Overall, he is very polite, well mannered, and well respected by almost everyone that knows him. I feel that things are only going to get better, for him and our relationship.

Rachel (Sept 5, 2004):  I love bipolar.  It took a few decades to get to this point, but now that i finally understand it and have some balance in my life, it is wonderful.  I have always seen bipolar as a spiritual illness, not a physical one.  It takes me to places so that i can understand the universe, and places inside so that i can understand myself.

It connects me to a greater force of life, of creativity, of insight and caring that I would not have otherwise.

I can't work full-time hours, and I don't want to.  It is not about trying to fit into their world, but creating a different world where what I am and can do has other meaning.  I never had an interest in a normal 9-5 job in a culture that doesn't make sense to me. 

Dealing with the triggers and emotional reactive stuff taught me a lot about my own issues, and how resolve them to stay sane and balanced.  I became a much better person at this point because of bipolar, and wouldn't trade it or the pains that got me here.

Matt (Sept 5, 2004):  I would be so grateful not to be bipolar. It has contributed nothing positive to my life. I am able to work full-time, to have relationships with family and friends, and to date. But I never have any "normal periods" when I get a break from even minor, easily coped with symptoms. There is always something there to monitor and cope with, even if it's not serious. I used to get breaks when I was younger, but that has gone away as I've aged, although my "bad" periods have not gotten worse or more frequent. Most of my dreams were within my reach but being bipolar has always kept me from getting there. I really wish it would go away for all of us.

Curious George (Sept 5, 2004):  I believe that if properly treated we can eventually embrace the benefits of bi-polar disorder. Suffering for over 20 years with this illness was painful for me. But not knowing what I suffered from for those years was even worse. It's up to us to look out for the signs of manic-depression with our children and help them understand it and treat it properly.

Jim (Sept 5, 2004):  Depression has stolen everything near and dear to me.I believe it is like having the civil war going on in your head, two friendly sides fighting each other. A gift from hell!

Matt (Sept 5, 2004): I would be so grateful not to be bipolar. It has contributed nothing positive to my life. I am able to work full-time, to have relationships with family and friends, and to date. But I never have any "normal periods" when I get a break from even minor, easily coped with symptoms. There is always something there to monitor and cope with, even if it's not serious. I used to get breaks when I was younger, but that has gone away as I've aged, although my "bad" periods have not gotten worse or more frequent. Most of my dreams were within my reach but being bipolar has always kept me from getting there. I really wish it would go away for all of us.

Curious George (Sept 5, 2004): I believe that if properly treated we can eventually embrace the benefits of bi-polar disorder. Suffering for over 20 years with this illness was painful for me. But not knowing what I suffered from for those years was even worse. It's up to us to look out for the signs of manic-depression with our children and help them understand it and treat it properly.

Anonymous (Sept 5, 2004): Depression has stolen everything near and dear to me. I believe it is like having the civil war going on in your head, two friendly sides fighting each other. A gift from hell!

Clara (Sept 6, 2004): This is about whether I would chose to be normal. The answer is a resounding no way. From what I have observed most "normal" people are petty and boring. Of course I wouldn't want the bipolar depression. I could stay at that hypomanic state forever.

Diane (Sept 6, 2004):  Zoey, After reading thru all the entries, yours lifted me.  Thank you.  I agree, didn't think to say it, that I too do not want anything to do with the "normies". Enjoyed your entire viewpoint.

Michelle (Sept 6, 2004): When first diagnosed, and after spending way to much time in and out of hospital, I must say I have learned to live with my illness and am happy to have gone through it. I appreciate the little things in life, things others take for granted such as having a job, a relationship etc. I think I am less judging of other people and accept people for who they are. I am more humble and have realized that nobody is perfect. I appreciate life and love more fully than before I was diagnosed. I don't know how to explain it but I am more at peace with myself than I have ever been before - I have learned to accept my illness, take my meds, and get on with my life!

Rachie (Sept 6, 2004): How would one ever know if Bipolar is a gift or curse? To a bipolar-being THAT is all we know. We have no conception of what "normal" is. I have found that most Bipolar people-when asked to state one describing word of themselves, the most commonly used is "unique"
Personally- Normal looks to have its perks: Sleep, clear thoughts, concentration, managing life, etc. But Gawd - I don't think "normal" would be "Normal" to a bipolar. If i even imagine being this so called "normal" it weirds me out... Who doesn't like their Manic state? I don't think I could survive without it. That's when things get done, accomplished, ACHIEVED! Without my high spirited kicks, where would i be. I mean hell, Im sure any one of us would give up depression in a heart beat, but why would we want to give up our pizaz? After all, our brief moments of pizaz and zest are what make us so "unique".

Sure, its a curse. I don't want to be regarded as the mental case, but who wants to be the "normal" one who sits around, and isnt regarded as anything? Id rather be known for having my "moments" than for just being "that person"

My name is known-everywhere i go...and damnit, i love it! I would love to be able to sit down, shut up, be able to know for a fact that tomorrow when my alarm goes off im going to be able to get out of bed, but I don't. I may sleep through it, not even realizing. But at least I know that if that does happen, that sleep-in time, will be the only sleep I've seen in days, weeks, sometimes months.

The unpredictability in this life is what makes it so fun. If we knew how we would feel every single day, what would the point of life be? Sure being crazy happy one day, and super suicidal the next, is no mans picnic. But each day definitely leaves me some questions that I want answered the next day. The suicidal thoughts that cross my mind, or the crazy panic episodes may not be worth "looking forward to" but at least I know there will be some "colorful experiences" to look forward to.

And every day i overcome the obstacles that have been put in my way, it gives me reason to keep going. To see what's next. And with out THAT feeling...I don't think i could enjoy life, or what it is that i have.... to compare to "life".

"Normality" as we like to call it- may not be so normal. Hasn't anyone else dared to think that maybe WE are the ones living, that maybe this "curse" is our gift, and that maybe WE are the "normal" ones...

Hell, maybe that "normal" we so desperately wish to achieve, is what the rest of the world is trying to forget...maybe THEY are the ones that are trying to become "unique" but maybe they are to scared to except that what THEY have labeled a disease....IS what they truly WISH to become.

Dan (Sept 6, 2004): No, it's not a gift at all. I unreservedly wish I did not have it. Being depressed is incredibly awful. Being hypomanic feels good superficially, but experience has shown me that it's very bad for me and my friends (of whom I have lost a few due to my misbehavior while hypomanic) and my loved ones. Fortunately, I was eventually diagnosed, and after that effective meds were finally found, and I have lived most of my life free of symptoms.

I DO think there is such a thing as "normal" in the sense of "what is really ME, minus the disorder". And that's the way I want to be. I don't credit the bipolar disorder with any of my intelligence or creativity -- I had those before I was hit by bipolar. I very much hope never to be in a hypomanic state, or a depressed state, again in my life.

Tina (Sept 6, 2004): I believe that Bipolar is a real curse-nobody understands and it is sometimes difficult to explain it to people. Popular comments: remember that you have two boys, watch out for alcohol-don't drink, be strong, blah blah. I don't have bipolar because I drink. I SUFFER high's and low's on a daily basis and sometimes I go through both stages on the same day, therefore my psycho struggles to treat me-thank goodness that she is brilliant and I trust her. I am manic when I am with my family and they don't want to hear that I might be ill. My mom, who is the most amazing human, listens to me telling her of some of my emotional times and she tells me that she also feels like I do and that it is okay to go through the motions of being either manic or depro. Sometimes she thinks that she is also bipolar (she has no idea of this disease and she is not willing to learn). The other day, I told her that I take Seroquel in the evening and without it I do not sleep and she could swear that the doc gave her the same meds because it sounds so familiar and she could not sleep either. I hope that she does not wish that she has bipolar, it somehow makes me sound false and hypochondriacal. Go figure!

Karen (Sept 6, 2004): History suggests that many of mankind's greatest achievements were done by Bipolar folks like you and me. We make the world go round. Despite a bumpy ride in my life I would not trade it for "normalcy" it would certainly make the journey too dull. Having BP makes life interesting and with new medications and old with new applications, there is no reason why one should "suffer" with this disorder. I manage it and do not allow it to manage me. The small adjustments I've had to make in my life do not overshadow the many benefits of having this disorder. At the end of the day it beats having diabetes. I know of no other disorder that actually has some net positives as a result, do you?

Deb (Sept 6, 2004): I have only this week really taken the diagnosis of bipolar as a serious possibility. Primarily because I have felt that regardless of labels, my life is what it is. It is not that I wouldn't mind ridding myself of a label of bipolar, or the potential for the condition worsening, but I wouldn't trade the life I have lived that has made me the person I am. Life is suffering only if we label life as suffering. Life is joy and growth and adventure when that is what we seek.

vOyA (Sept 6, 2004): I will admit this to myself but deny it within my everyday public life. I will do things I shouldn't to myself but know that in this world, there is far worse happening ... diminishing anything I could ever commit against me. Diminishing its importance even ... I mean, it's hard not to feel textbook because really I am. i just don't want to contribute to the woes of this world when mine in comparision is really just a blip.

If that.

I write, I work and I try to have people in my life. As long as I can protect them from my bipolarism, then that's okay. Otherwise, I just drift, be the nomad and hope detachment doesn't get me in the end.

I love this life.
Everything is shaped by death.

Cami (Sept 6, 2004): I'm not well acquainted with normal. From the outside looking in, it has a certain appeal. It also seems a little dull though. Life with bipolar disorder has been difficult but it's also been full and vibrant. I can't say that knowing what I know now, after having dealt with the reckless highs and the devastating, crippling lows...that I wouldn't give back this illness in order to be "normal". But I also know that some of the best things about me stem from the depth and sensitivity that the illness has brought along with it. It has been a gift, though one that has been difficult to harness.

Simonne (Sept 6, 2004): I would never trade being bipolar for anything. It has given me great gifts of compassion, creativity, it has forced me to really work at my own ability to care and nurture myself. I do not cope I thrive despite this label. If it was not for being bipolar I do not know that I would have gotten sober (10+ years now). I know in my hear the value of redemptive suffering. We have not suffered for not. There is a purpose...

Losthiriel (Sept 6, 2004): I'd give up this illness without thinking. I am currently living in a marriage where my husband has point blank told me "I don't want to be married to someone who is bipolar." We are getting a divorce - it is miserable. I was only diagnosed 1 1/2 years ago and we have been married 6 years. We have a 5 year old son with ADHD. I get blamed for this. This is my second marriage. Are you kidding - get this horrible albatross off my neck and out of my life immediately!

Nashea (Sept 7, 2004): I don't honestly know, I really like who I am right now, love the creativity of my mind, the way I see the world seems to much "more" then the people around me, I would not want to miss out on that ever, everything I have been through has brought me to this place, But having to go though depressions that robbed me of everything almost my life is not something I enjoyed and having to do it over again years later, I seem to get lost in the depression to find myself a wonderful person later. The scary part is not knowing if I will make it through the next one, RIGHT now I know I am strong enough, but when I was living it, no amount of self talk works, because the self talk itself is depressing and crippling

Lily (Sept 7, 2004): Bipolar is almost the worst illness a person can have. I have friends who have have had leukemia and brain surgery who have been able to keep on through life, even with good spirits, due to a stable mind through it all. On the other hand, I have lost marriages, children, and many jobs, due to bipolar disorder. I have almost lost myself twice, through suicide attempts and have been hospitalized numerous times. I have tried almost every medication possible and gone through hell as my mind and body were jerked around by the side effects. I have seen the loved ones around me suffer with me and because of me. I am now on the correct combination of medications and hopefully this will continue to work. I have started the second job in one year and hope I can remain in this one without alienating others or getting fired. I have many times thought that I would rather endure the pain of a broken leg or major surgery without pain relief than the pain of depression. I have rarely felt really "good", and don't have any amazing artistic talents. Just as I am not quite manic, but hypomanic at rare times, I don't seem to quite make it into the world of the creative genius. I have all the hell of bipolar disorder without any of the "benefits". On top of all this is the stigma of being "crazy", so that I can't divulge this illness to anyone except those in my immediate family, not even relatives, although they know something is "different" about me. I am like Atlas, carrying the world on my shoulders, except that I am not Atlas - I am a fragile flower who struggles everyday. I have fallen time and again in my life under the weight and gotten back up. (Does this mean I must be actually strong because I'm a flower carrying a load meant for a strongman?) Bipolar disorder is a horrible thing, and I would give anything to be normal. Only schizophrenia is worse.


This is a PS: I have read some of the postings on this site in which people identify themselves as "being bipolar". I don't identify or define myself as bipolar. I am a person who, unfortunately, has bipolar disorder, just as another person might have a torn ligament, cataracts, eczema, liver disease, or any one of the multitude of problems our bodies can suffer from. People don't say, "I'm cardiac disease," or, "I'm bladder cancer." Probably because bipolar disorder affects our moods, our ways of thinking and behaving, some of us tend to think of our illness as being "us" and consequently, the, "I'm bipolar". My opinion is that people with this disorder would be better off to stop thinking of it that way. We aren't bipolar. It is a hardware problem in our brains.

Nashea (Sept 7, 2004):  I don't honestly know, I really like who I am right now, love the creativity of my mind, the way I see the world seems to much "more" then the people around me, I would not want to miss out on that ever, everything I have been through has brought me to this place, But having to go though depressions that robbed me of everything almost my life is not something I enjoyed and having to do it over again years later, I seem to get lost in the depression to find myself a wonderful person later. The scary part is not knowing if I will make it through the next one,  RIGHT now I know I am strong enough, but when I was living it, no amount of self talk works, because the self talk itself is depressing and crippling.

Mike (Sept 7, 2004):  I haven't been diagnosed with bipolar but am 80% sure that it is something that I live with.  I had a breakdown five years ago and after a few months on Risperdal started to find my way again.  Invasive but rebirthing is how I would describe the spiritual side of my life as well as the influence of what ever is going on with my brain.  I have to believe that the two are deeply tied, and whether that is a good thing is besides the point because i live it and it doesn't seem to ask permission before coming into my life.  I agree with the reader that talked about a burning transformation with compassion being left as a side product.  Since my major episode, and prior to that I have constantly been drawn to care for those hurting.  I recently have been able to recognize that i was trying to feel better through the process.  I am now in the process of realizing that my intentions are good and i don't need to show compassion to feel better, but can just show compassion.  Visions and dreams are definitely a part of my life, and I believe they are a part of many who suffer or enjoy mental difference.  I believe the nature of my mind and spirit are a gift regardless of the suffering and trauma that have come with both.  Five years ago I nearly ended my own life, and could hardly find a reality pull back.  One major factor in continuing was knowing that i didn't want to carry that confused state of mind into a different existence.  I don't know is the firmest answer I can give when asked what is spiritual truth.  I don't know seems to meet my highs and lows as a buffer, and i do know that compassion lives with joy.

Katytexan (Sept 8, 2004):  I had to stop fighting who I am with bipolar to accept the gift I have been given.  I was diagnosed half my life ago.  Now at 30, I am grateful for my endless energy, hunger for more of anything, whether it is knowledge, experience, or adventure.  I wasted 12 years refusing help, denying I am different, and thinking I could function in "moderation" by dabbling with drugs and alcohol.  I love that I can be a friend to a child who has an imaginary friend, so I can tell about mine from childhood.  Empathetic to ones who mourn, hurt, or are angry, since I suffered those emotions.  I realized I am not the center of the universe, but I am an important star that has a spot in the scheme of things.  I have to swim harder to stay above the stormy sea of life. I would never trade my tenacity for what some perceive as normal.

Normal being complacent, agreeable, docile, easily swayed, predictable, steady, etc.  I love that I am passionate, at times defiant for what I believe to be right, and dogged enough to take the next bite out of life.

Anne (Sept 9, 2004):  Having a bipolar spectrum disorder as a blessing. I'm prone to major depression most of the year, and when the time for Christmas comes around, I can look forward to hypomania due to the hectic pace of the season. As a writer, hypomania helps me enormously to complete my work. When I'm depressed, I just stare listlessly at the pages. But when mania comes, I can fly through the words. I wouldn't be able to bear depression without these up periods. They often rescue me from great darkness.

Keep up the good work - I look forward to being an avid reader of your newsletter for a long time to come.

Marie (Sept 11, 2004):  I have been sad all of my life.  I don't know why.  My mother was an alcoholic who died from cirrhosis of the liver.  I often wonder if she drank while she was pregnant with me.  I am the only one of my siblings like this.  I'm usually not fun to be around and when I am, I'm usually loud and saying inappropriate things.  People say I'm boring and I don't get many offers to go out.  I'm on medication, but the effects seem to be temporary.  I have even heard some people say that I'm weird.  I spend a lot of time alone, but that's usually the way I want to be.  I definitely do not regard my illness as a curse.  I wasn't even diagnosed until my late 40s.  I hate feeling feeling this way.  I have very little creativity and I never finish anything.  This is not the way I want to be.

Lisa (Sept 11, 2004):  I first thought about suicide when I was 15. I began stealing, shoplifting at the same time. Although I made no real attempt the thoughts were ever present. In my first year of college my first deep depression hit and I took a bottle of pills one night. I woke up the next morning sicker than I have ever been, but I woke up. I never told anyone and pretended again that I felt “normal” (i.e. like everyone else). I have always been terrified that “normal” people will find out how “crazy” I am and lock me up somewhere. They would try to take away the one part of myself that I felt good about!

At 20, following a long bout of depression I again sought medical help.  A psychiatrist told me I had bi-polar disease and suggested a week of in-treatment. I simply wanted a fix for my depression. I said I would think about it, took the RX for the Prozac, the first of many antidepressants and never saw him again.

My 20's were spent being a college dropout (according to my parents’ thoughts) and "just a factory worker".  It was spent drinking, working, smoking cigarettes and (what at the time I believed to be) having a really good time. I experimented with drugs but wisely realized I would soon have a problem with cocaine if I did not stop that. My factory job paid well and I went on vacations (alone of course) and traded cars every few months (always used).  I went through a variety of relationships none of which worked since I chose men who were unobtainable in some way (married, workaholics, alcoholics or simply bad for me). Men saw me as exciting, and a lot of fun to spend time with. I was the young, athletic, who their wives or girlfriends no longer were, and I was good in bed to boot! 

Looking back I truly see I spent much of my twenties in a manic state with just a few lows. Then I met a very handsome, suave man 10-yrs. my senior who threw me into a full year of mania with sex, and alcohol, and wild nights.  I thought I loved him. Alcohol and antidepressants don't work well together and after 4 years I had again fell into a deep depression as I realized what a low life I was involved with. I changed to a night shift position with the company I had worked with for 7 years, thinking I would have more time to spend with him, that my love for him would make him change. It simply gave him nights to spend over at his other girlfriend’s house (we had lived together for over 3 years by this time). In a nutshell I again sought help with the doctor, who again suggested in-treatment, which I again refused. I was given sleeping pills to deal with the insomnia that plagued me and prescribed a new type of antidepressant. It was at this stage of my life (now age 28) that the rages began. Deep in my depression I sought one friend to talk with. She asked me “if you could do anything in the world right now what would it be?” I said run away. This conversation brought out the mania again and within a week I went out bought a brand n

As I write this I am 39, the mother of an incredibly energetic loving son, and engaged to be remarried next July to a kind gentle man who doesn’t know what to do with me most of the time! I have spent the last ten years in a haze of highs [I went back to college in January 1999 and spent several semesters working, going to school full-time and being the ultimate single parent!]. I am now using every bit of strength I have left to keep from running away again. I found a new doc who has helped me accept the bi-polar diagnosis. I am in week two of a new med. But I am still in a deep place. I am paranoid about being away from my son (I have been this way since his birth) yet know it is irrational to think this. My cognitive knowledge is probably what is keeping me from going over the edge. I think I should go for a week of in-treatment, yet at the point I am with my college courses I would never be able to get my student teaching position that has been arranged. This means the last 51/2 years and $40 thousand in loans would be for nothing. I think of my child, and am terrified he too will suffer with this disease. I shared with my parents (both highly educated individuals) the diagnosis, handing them some information I had printed. They have yet to delve deeper into finding out about the disease and still treat me as though I chose to be this way. My father actually said “is she being an asshole again?’ when I was short with my mother. I have determined I can not handle any more negative input or stress and have greatly decreased the time I spend with them or talking with them. I am now, as I have always been the “ass”.

Has bi-polar been a gift to me? It is all I have ever known. The highs are the only time I have liked myself or felt proud of my accomplishments. And I accomplished a lot during the highs! I hate who I am now, the weight that I have gained, the age that crept up on me, the insecurities and paranoia I constantly feel. Bi-polar has been double edged for me and I often wonder who I would be if I had not had this disease. I no longer know who I am and am afraid I won’t like the person I end up being when the moods are controlled more evenly. I am scared.

Lark (Sept 14, 2004):  I began my bipolar experience in my 50's, about 6 years ago.  One gift it has given me is the opportunity to collect disability and not have to continue on with working every day in a 30 year career.  Actually, that was devastating also, but the gift part was the freedom I felt and the opportunities I had to explore other parts of life and of myself.

I also found that the emotional and creative parts of my personality came rushing forward and I have become a much more balanced person in terms of right brain/left brain.  Isn't that a hoot?  Balanced?  I've been able to develop many talents that I might never have known about.

HOWEVER, I do believe that I could have found a different route to these very same "gifts" - it didn't have to be bipolar disorder.  I would have much preferred another route.  The "cost" of these "gifts" has been huge, and continues to be, especially in terms of other limitations that counteract the gifts.  So, I appreciate the good that has come from my experiences, but given a choice, I would definitely not choose the bipolar path.

Pat (Sept 16, 2004):  Looking back over my 55+ years on this earth, I can see that I was an extremely "forward" thinking person.  I remember when I was a very young teenager and hearing my mother complain about her weight - again! - I asked my physician father why doctors couldn't just suck out the fat and be done with it all.  Liposuction did not come about for another 20 or so years.  And so it has been my whole life.  I have had wonderful, very progressive ideas that current knowledge considered dumb or, at the very least, undoable or impractical.  Constantly facing the negative criticism and sometimes ridicule as feedback to my ideas, I felt no need to try to learn more on my own.  So now I am keeping a journal of some of my more radical ideas for some future generation to marvel over.  The current idea that has strayed into my mind deals with future learning.  We will no longer have to attend schools and pass classes.  Better, we will "live" our education to a certain extent, then "chips" or some sort of subliminal device will be used to convey higher degrees and to learn languages. 

So, is bipolar a gift or a curse?  I couldn't say.  But what I will say is that I have channeled my creative thinking into other areas.  I am now trying to develop the self-discipline that is needed to write.  I love writing and speaking (telling stories). 

The one thing that I could definitely do without are those long bouts of painful and debilitating depression.  The manias are welcome, but just only "so high."  Some of my manias have been so high, long, and wild that I don't even know what I did (except for the time I flunked out of college because I did not attend many classes and failed even those that I did attend). 

In the final analysis, I have to say that bipolar is both gift and curse.  Which it is depends upon the day and the mood.

Anonymous (Oct 10, 2004):  What is NORMAL ??? We all have problems !!! That's just LIFE !!! I try to trust in my maker !!!! Tell me ..WHAT IS NORMAL?????

Tyler (Oct 13, 2004):  From my perspective as a long time BP1 rapid cycler, and civic activist.. I am offended by the characterization of \"bipolar disorder\" as a \"horrific illness\". For how many untold numbers of people have you helped to shape and form negative views about being a Bipolar?

I certainly am one \"certified\" Bipolar who does not view being bipolar as \"horrific\" !! And I have MANY years, and many assessments to attest to.

Actually, local society thinks I have alot to offer, and is very interested in my ideas... I met with the City Manager last week.. and with the County Planning Commission the other day.. they are endorsing my ideas! Of course, they don't know of my \"secret life\"... I have a long, demonstrable history of community involvement...

So.. I will offer to this group that bipolar is \"a horrific illness\" as long as we continue to re-enforce to each other that it is just that. *We* are *creating* a REALITY we validate ...

I don't deny we are different as Bipolars... But I do question what that means for each of us in our daily lives.. ( I live what few others are willing to accept, I know..) Let us honestly explore these issues..

Bipolar, and Proud!

Jeanna (Oct 14, 2004):  Is Bipolar Disorder a curse or gift? First of all, let me say I am a rapid cycler mixed state bipolar with PTSD. I'm 45 years old and have lived with this for a long time!! I have experienced a lot. Life has never been dull for me BUT it has constantly been a struggle. I recognize that life, in general, is hard for everyone. The part of the bipolar disorder that I detest is that when my moods change, I change. I am not the same person from one day to the next or week to week. There's an inconsistency and instability in who I am that is connected directly to which part of the roller coaster ride I'm on. In 20 years, they've never gotten the med combination quite right, so I have to use a lot of discipline and sometimes that's not possible because of the state I'm in. I am a creative person, but bouts of depression and even manias prevent me from consistently working at my craft. I cannot even imagine how it would feel to live life not driven by chemical changes that affect my whole personality, but I'd love to try. Perhaps it's my age, but I wouldn't mind a more stable, productive existence. I don't consider bipolar a curse, but I definitely consider it an illness that I would be glad to be rid of. I do believe we that survive are very strong and I admire those that persevere through the ups and downs, successes and failures.

Shelley 10/17:   I DO consider having Bipolar Disorder a gift.  Because it is how God made me & for this to be such a extreme disorder He must know I can live life with it to have allowed me to have it.  God has given me a HUGE ministry with this disorder and depression.  I couldn't count the number of people He has brought my way for me to help.  I pray all the time for Him to use me to help someone else and out of nowhere someone will come to me and tell me that they struggle with BP or Depression, anxiety...etc and I can say I have been there let me tell you what God has taught me from this.

The BP episodes have been AWFUL and AMAZING.  But I still consider it a gift.  I asked my Pdoc if I could consider the experiences I have had with mania as a glimpse of heaven & he said YES!  WOW won't Heaven be AMAZING!!!!!!!!  God used a car accident to show me I have this illness & I will forever be grateful.  God lead me to a wonderful Christian Doctor and the right medication.  Now I can use this illness for HIS good.  It is my prayer that God will be glorified through me as I live out my life with this illness & I wouldn't trade it for anything because of what He has taught me because of it.

Shelley (Oct 17, 2004):  I DO consider having Bipolar Disorder a gift. Because it is how God made me & for this to be such a extreme disorder He must know I can live life with it to have allowed me to have it. God has given me a HUGE ministry with this disorder and depression. I couldn't count the number of people He has brought my way for me to help. I pray all the time for Him to use me to help someone else and out of nowhere someone will come to me and tell me that they struggle with BP or Depression, anxiety...etc and I can say I have been there let me tell you what God has taught me from this.

The BP episodes have been AWFUL and AMAZING. But I still consider it a gift. I asked my pdoc if I could consider the experiences I have had with mania as a glimpse of heaven & he said YES! WOW won't Heaven be AMAZING!!!!!!!! God used a car accident to show me I have this illness & I will forever be grateful. God lead me to a wonderful Christian Doctor and the right medication. Now I can use this illness for HIS good. It is my prayer that God will be glorified through me as I live out my life with this illness & I wouldn't trade it for anything because of what He has taught me because of it. In HIS Love.

Tulipscanswim (Dec 22, 2004):  I feel cursed. I was diagonsed 6 yrs ago after having severe depression over my divorce. I started cutting myself and then took pills and almost died. while all of this was happen to me I was going through nursing school. it took me almost 5 years to get my RN. I passedmy national boards the first time. Because of my bipolar I had to volunterto go into the Intervention Project for nurses (IPN)so I could finish school and get my license. I am looking for a job. My IPN contract says that I have to tell my employer about my disability and involvement in IPN before I can accept the job. I have gone on 12 interviews and have been offered jobs at everyone of them, butas soon as I tell them Im in IPN ans I'm bipolar the door closes. I can not believe my profession is like this. i feel cursed. I made the mistake of telling my therapist and IPN Dr. that I was planning suicide. now I must await another 5 weeks before they decide if I can safely practice. for now i cant look for a job. I still keep it an option but i don't ready want to kill myself. I just hate that i have this illness.