You See Four; I See 28
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Our way of thinking non-linearly may explain a lot more about ourselves than our illness.
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Non-linear thinking. Psychiatry tells us that we with depression or bipolar typically over-react to situations. We over-think things, we panic, we get overwhelmed. Our brains respond by flipping out or shutting down. We behave badly, and then we're left dealing with the consequences.
"Normal" people don't think and act this way is the message. "They" respond rationally. "We," on the other hand, are victims of our runaway brains. Then something happened that caused me to challenge this. Let me explain:
The occasion was a social interaction with a now ex-friend. Her friend was being a jerk, and the only way I could respond without making a scene was by making a scene - I left.
Naturally, the friend thought I had overreacted - made a big deal out of nothing - and from her point of view she was absolutely right. So I tried to explain what was happening from my point of view.
Such and such happened, I began, which meant such and such was going to happen. Clear as day, right?
She didn't see how my first such and such connected to my second such and such.
A light bulb went off. How could she? I reasoned. She was thinking linearly. I don't, even though I have a law degree. I'm non-linear. A lot of us with mental illness are. Basically, it works like this: People inclined to high creativity, perception, and intuition tend to have brains that are less than efficient in filtering out the world around us.
Everything lands on our intrays, in effect. Very little goes in the wastebasket. Thoughts, feelings, perceptions in abundance. The positive side of this is that when we manage to connect some of these seemingly unrelated inputs into novel points of view we look like geniuses, or, at worst, a bit weird and eccentric.
The negative side is that is we easily get overwhelmed. Our brains respond by flipping out or shutting down.
It's like this, I explained. You and So-and-So are thinking, "one-two-three-four." I'm already on "twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight." I already know what is going to happen before you do.
They see four. I see twenty-eight. They think I'm responding inappropriately to four. Really, I'm responding as they would to twenty-eight. Probably with a lot more restraint. At least I was able to mindfully observe my brain undergoing a meltdown. At least I was able to vacate the scene before I said things that I would regret.
Unfortunately - for me - I could not stop the chain reaction in my brain. I drove off with the full knowledge that my day was ruined, that for the next several hours the agony of ten thousand hells would play out inside my skull. My only measure of control was to try to endure those hours with some degree of equanimity.
As I said, I pay a very high price for my gift.
I wasn't asking my friend to understand me. Only that she not judge me. In effect, we occupy two different worlds. Or, rather, we see the same world very differently. But the hard cold reality is that the world we share is run by the linear people. The more adept I am at conforming to their expectations the happier I will be. I've learned to be pretty good at this.
Then came the brutal hard cold reminder.
My Zombie State Is Other People's Normal
An outdoor walk, a distant memory. Me, in my college dorm room 40-odd years ago, in a flu-induced zombie state. I responded to someone with a lame comment and the whole room cracked up. I got off a repeat rimshot-worthy one-liner, then another one. I was death warmed-over, but to the people in the room I was Don Rickles.
Twelve or thirteen years later - same state of zombie-hood - I was the steady hand who calmed down a room of anxious individuals. I could go on and on. Sometimes it's the flu. Sometimes it's depression. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, my head is not attached to the rest of my body. There are no guarantees. Often, when I feel out of it, I am really truly, totally utterly, out of it.
On the reverse side of the coin, when I am feeling on my game - that is when I need to watch myself. Frequently, I find myself looking at a sea of perplexed faces. And heaven help if I know I'm off my game and my anxiety takes over. You know those Southwest Airline ads: "Need to get away?"
Anyway, here I was, taking my walk, gazing out into the mountains, when it suddenly hit me in a flash:
My zombie state is the equivalent of other people's normal!
If I could only be a zombie, I could lead a normal life. Here's how it works:
Like a lot of you, I experience racing thoughts. Think of my brain as the UN General Assembly with an angry Khrushchev on every seat yelling wildly and banging his shoe on the table. But the flu or a depression or some kind of brain fog shuts down all those Khrushchevs in my head. There are no distractions. I can focus on the task at hand. I appear sharp and to the point. Of all the crazy things, I give the impression that I'm operating on rocket fuel.
All those Khrushchevs are the equivalent of too much stuff coming in - too much thought, too much emotion, too much sensory input. Since I happen to work in a field that places a high premium on creativity and intuition, I tend to regard this as a good thing. I need those Khrushchevs. They work for me, provided I can show them who's boss.
But too much of a good thing for me has a way of manifesting as bipolar or anxiety or panic or just plain weirdness. This is the downside of Khrushchev. Every once in a while, things get out of hand. For others, these Khrushchevs may show up as ADD, schizophrenia, some forms of depression, or just simply strange or inappropriate behavior.
These days, I am fairly confident in matching the right Khrushchev to the right occasion, so that what comes out of my mouth doesn't embarrass me. Far from it. These days, I actually get invited to places. Back in the old days, I could be counted on to pick the wrong Khrushchev, generally a strange weird specimen that had people backing slowly toward the exits.
What has changed over the years is that I have slowly learned to read subtle social cues and modify my behavior accordingly. I suspect this is true for most of you. These days, I feel fairly confident walking out the door. Back in the old days, I didn't risk it. I stayed indoors and isolated, which, of course, made me fair game for crushing depressions.
It's a strange world when showing up as a zombie shrouded in a protective depression is the state most likely to create the best impression for me. But when I'm feeling good, I often lack insight to know that I'm feeling too good for my own good. That's why I need to watch myself, and - more important - watch others.
Wrapping Up Non-linear
This whole non-linear thing is a work-in-progress for me, but after all these years, I think I finally may have cracked my case wide open. Yes, my bipolar explains a lot of my thinking and feeling and behavior, but underlying everything is the non-linear stuff. The overload manifests as anxiety and bipolar (which explains the bipolar-creativity/intuition connection). And when I over-react for no apparent reason, I need to be thinking: Is this my racing mind distorting reality or is this a non-linear insight that everyone else is too stupid to see?
Obviously, I don't want to be one of the linear people. But neither do I want to be an outsider. I take refuge inside my wonderfully strange mind, but my happiness and well-being also depends on getting along with those who only see four making glacial progress to five, who possess all the animation of the Great Pyramid of Egypt, only not nearly so lively. I've been on the outside looking in most of my life, and my reward has been despair and alienation. All those Khrushchevs pounding on tables, and me not knowing which face of Khrushchev to show the world.
These days, I am fairly confident in matching the right Khrushchev to the right occasion, so that what comes out of my mouth doesn't embarrass me. Thus if someone is thinking four while I'm thinking 28, I now have the presence of mind to reply with a mid-range single digit.
Or, to put it another way, if someone says "peanut butter," I don't come up with "ultimate universal harmonics" when everyone else in the room is stuck somewhere between "jelly" and "bread".
But every once in a while, I can be counted on to really screw it up. No one ever said life was easy ...
See also: Creativity *Intuition * Psychic Perception
First published as blogs on Knowledge is Necessity 2009, 2010, reworked into an article Jan 30, 2011
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