Understanding Assholes
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A new meaning to turning the other cheek.
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The asshole factor in mental illness. I've been running these two pieces on my blog every April Fools ...
New Imaging Studies Reveal the Brain Scans of Assholes
In a study about to be published in "Nature," researchers at the NIMH reveal the first-ever fMRI scans of assholes at work.
Said lead researcher Y Mee MD, PhD, "We've always known an asshole when we see one, but it never occurred to us to actually scan their brains. I mean, seriously, who would want to?"
Nevertheless, the researchers overcame their strong revulsion and recruited 10 assholes plus 10 control subjects.
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"I mean - crap - I was ready to quit my job in the first five minutes of the study," said co-author I Hadinoff PhD. First the assholes filled out their intake forms completely wrong, then abused the staff when they had to fill them out again. Next, they kept pushing and shoving to be the first one into the MRI machine. But once in, they couldn't stop complaining.
This posed a special difficulty because study protocol required that first the assholes' brains be scanned while in a resting state.
"So here we are," said Dr Hadinoff, "having to be nice to these fucking assholes. No sooner do I get one calmed down than another one gets started, and next thing they're all setting each other off like mousetraps going off in a room."
One asshole lady complained that her no-good son-in-law refused to finish cleaning the leaves out of her gutter, as he had promised. A world-class therapist had to be called in to remind the individual that her son-in-law had fallen off the ladder while she was shaking it and had cracked nine vertebrae and would be a quadriplegic the rest of his life.
"But I'm on a fixed income," the woman retorted. "How the hell am I going to find affordable help?"
Said Dr Hadinoff: "You know that show where that guy does all those shit jobs? I'm on the short list for the Nobel Prize, but, believe me, I was ready to throw it all in and go to work standing up to my ears in cow shit. Seriously, anything had to be better than dealing with this shit."
Eventually, the researchers got the assholes settled down and were able to get images of their brains at rest. On close inspection, the scans revealed certain structural abnormalities to the posterior corpus rumpus section of the brain:
"It's uncanny," said Dr Y Mee. "It's as if their brains had 'asshole' written all over them."
Then the assholes were made to perform certain tasks while their brains were being scanned. In one task, the subjects were asked to imagine lying on a beach on a tropical island.
"What? I'm just supposed to lie there in the hot sun with all the mosquitoes and sandflies and who knows what?" was the typical response. "Screw you, I did that for my second honeymoon, and let me tell you, it wound up to be our first divorce."
In other tasks, the assholes were asked to imagine something good about a member of their family, any accomplishment they could be proud of, a waitress they were nice to, and something that went wrong that they were willing to accept responsibility for. They failed every task spectacularly.
As their brains were thus engaged, a certain part of the posterior corpus rumpus, known as the temporal anal cortex, lit up like a Christmas tree:
"It's amazing," said Dr Y Mee. "For the first time ever, we are looking into the mind of an asshole - and the last time, I can assure you. Believe me, after what we went through, no one in their right mind is going to want to try to replicate our findings."
The findings are expected to provide valuable insights into radio talk show hosts, Fox News commentators, and antipsychiatry bloggers.
Drs Y Mee and I Hadinoff are at present in intensive therapy. Their prognosis is poor to miserable.
Breaking News: Psychiatry Comes Up With New Diagnosis of Asshole
In a surprise move expected to be announced shortly, the American Psychiatric Association's Task Force responsible for overseeing the revision of the DSM - psychiatry's diagnostic bible - has come up with the new diagnosis of "Asshole."
Unlike other disorders, episodes, types, and specifiers listed in the DSM, the diagnosis of Asshole fails to mention any symptoms. Nor does it offer a description of the illness.
"Let's put it this way," said Ru Dayborn MD, director of the Darwin Awards Treatment Center at Johns Hopkins and member of the working group that came up with the new diagnosis, "you know one when you see one."
The new diagnosis is the result of heated discussion throughout the Task Force's many working groups, in particular the one responsible for updating the bipolar diagnosis. According to I Gitswoureigh MD of the University of Northern South Dakota, speaking strictly off the record: "We were sick of hearing from our bipolar patients about the bad rap they were getting as a result of Assholes who had mistakenly been diagnosed as bipolar."
Leading bipolar patient advocate Phil Toogood was ecstatic over the news. "It's about time," he commented. "Since the dawn of history we've been putting up with their shit. Every time someone like Charlie Sheen does some asshole thing, people automatically assume the jerk must be bipolar. Maybe now the public won't confuse us."
It isn't just bipolars. Reports Charles Manson from his prison cell: "For years, assholes have been giving us sociopaths a bad name."
The illness is considered chronic and untreatable. When asked to give an example, Dr Dayborn commented, "That's easy. Rush Limbaugh. Say no more." Dr Dayborn did add that Assholes can go on to lead productive lives. "Look at all those idiot commentators on Fox News," he observed. "See, there is hope."
When advised that not every Asshole can aspire to a position on Fox News, Dr Dayborn replied: "No problem. They can always become antipsychiatry bloggers."
The new diagnosis of Asshole is expected to become official in 2013, when the American Psychiatric Association is scheduled to publish the fifth edition of the DSM.
For a more serious look, check out: Crazy vs Asshole
First published as two separate blogs, 2009, republished as an article, April 1, 2011
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